Cloud Bursts....

I was being driven home the other day so a friend could borrow my car and take it to the repair shop near his home for a little exhaust problem. In the passenger seat, I was able to observe the stretches of a promising beautiful blue sky and the fluffy clouds. I usually am looking at traffic lights and bumpers.

Little puffs of light fluffy clouds danced about here and there, forming those mystical shapes that make you think about laying back on a blanket and just cloud watching. They seem like happy things, those little clouds,slowly meandering across the sky, stretching, rearranging, bumping in to other little clouds.

And then we got closer to my town, and I noticed some bigger heavier clouds hanging lower in the sky. Not too many of them, but they were obviously thicker and darker and lower. Rimmed with whisps of white, their centers and bottoms became progressively grayer and had the appearance of boiling rolls- a churning look to them. Nothing happy about these clouds. They sure stood in contrast to their happier playmates in the sky.

That is me, I thought. I used to be a happy cloud, dancing about, married,children, a wonderful job that I looked forward to working every single day - we would play in the park, or take an impromptu camping trip, or hike around the block looking for leaves and blossoms to press, or search the beach for pretty agates and shells. I would decorate the house for the seasons and the holidays and celebrate all those silly days, too, likeMother Goose Day and National Chocolate Day and we loved April Fool's Day. Some things were planned, but most things were done on the whim.

Now I am a dark rain cloud, gathering tears inside me . progressively feeling heavier and thicker and darker - the tears gathering inside me while I continue to talk to clients, enter orders, check drawings, chat with installers, sit in meetings, drive home, shop, load the dishwasher, record some receipts, feed the animals and get ready for bed.

My chest feels like one of those rain clouds. My marriage has failed, my children have grown,and I've lost my first-born son. My grandchildren live far-away. Even my hopes of a happy future with a wonderful man were dashed to pieces when he unexpectedly died, too. I lost my preschool business and have had to return to the outside business world. My life is totally changed from what it was, what I wanted it to be, what I enjoyed, what I loved so much.

As the days go by, I tend to get more introverted and quiet. I am less tolerant with myself or others. My dismal state casts a shadow around me, blocking others from seeing and enjoying my once more sunny self. It tends to go in cycles now. It will quietly build up and then I will become so full of grief that I must find release. I need my time for allowing the rain to fall. I need a good cry. I will find myself "drizzling" if I don't provide the opportunity to let it all out. "My eyes are just leaking," I'll explain to co-workers and family when I seem to get teary-eyed without any particular prompting.

My friend observed my quieter-than-normal state and asked, "What's wrong,Sandi? Whatcha thinking? Share your thoughts."

I replied, "You know if clouds don't empty out when they get heavy and dark like that, they could end up being storm clouds, full of thunder and electricity and rage and unpredictability. Let's not stop at the store, just take me directly home and drop me off. I think it's time for another cloudburst."

With child-loss grief, sadness continues to accumulate inside us, even when we begin to resume our daily tasks and our interactions with others. Remember to allow yourselves time and find a place where you can release the tears and sadness as often as you feel the need.

Love and hugs,Sandi