Some Ways to Help a Grieving Person...

PLEASE DON’T SAY….
~”It could have been worse.”
~”Your loved one is in a better place.”
~”You need to get your mind off of this.”
~”At least you are young enough to find someone else and get married again.”
~”You can still have more children.”
~”At least you still have other children.”~
”At least you got to have your children for ‘x’ number of years.”
~”At least you didn’t have the baby long enough to get attached.”
~”At least the baby died before birth so you didn’t get attached.”
~”Wow, looks like you are all better now.”
~”Now you have an angel watching over you.”
~”It’s probably for the best.”
~”There must have been something wrong.”
~”I know how you feel.”
~”Be grateful for the time you did have together.”
~”Be grateful that you still have other children.”
~”At least you got to be married (or fall in love or have a child), even if you lost them. Some people never get to be married (or fall in love or have a child) at all.

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THINGS YOU MIGHT SAY …
~”I’m sorry.”
~”What can I do to help?”
~”I’m here for you.”
~”I love you.”
~”I really care about you.”
~”I don’t know what to say, but I am sorry.”
~”I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.”

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THINGS THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL …
*Help field phone calls and greet visitors during the first days after the loss. Many people will call to verify the news or offer condolences. Others will want to know about any services that will be held. It’s very helpful if friends and family members help take care of the phone calls that need to be answered, and also the ones that need to be made (inviting friends and family members to the services).
*Make, or encourage others to make, meals for the bereaved and their family and guests. Snack foods are great donations, too. Breakfast rolls, casseroles, salads – foods that need little or no preparation or that can just be heated and served are wonderful help to the family.
*Extend words of sympathy. Saying, “I’m so sorry” or “You are in my thoughts and prayers” are just fine. It’s hard to know what to say, and just saying “I really don’t know what to say, but I am sorry for your loss” is just fine.
*There is no set time on grieving. The grief period varies with the individual and the situation. For parents who lose a child, grief may be more intense and extended. Telling the person they need to “get on with their life” or that they need to “get over it” or that it’s time to “move on” won’t help them heal any faster.
*Let the grieving person talk about his grief and loss, share his feelings, shed tears. Be patient with your friend or loved one – their moods may change back and forth from sadness to anger to numbness without much notice. Remember that their behaviors may also be variable or unusual while they are going through all the stages of grief.
*Listen without interrupting or changing the subject, without dispensing advice, and without trying to cheer them up.
*Visit frequently, gauging the length of your visits on how the grieving person is doing. Ask them if they need more space or if they need to have you around more frequently.
*Ask what you can do to help rather than inviting them to call you if they need anything. They may not know what they need or what they need to do first. Sometimes you can help them brainstorm or make lists of things that are needed or that need to be done. You can volunteer specifically for something they need help with. Can you help with some laundry? Dishes? Vacuuming? Watering the plants or feeding the pets?
*The death of a loved one causes an abrupt halt to every day living, and even things such as finances can be stressed. It may have been the member of the family who provided the main income source who has died. The person in grief may need to take time off from work without pay while in the acute stages of mourning. Extra company means extra food, heat, and other expenses during visitations following the death and funeral. Funerals and other types of services may or may not have been anticipated in most budgets and frequently are a huge burden on the remaining family members. You might encourage other family and friends to contribute to a fund to help the family out during this time.
*Give hugs or hold hands if acceptable, or just sit close by. Sometimes a person in grief may want to be physically close one minute and want to be separate and untouched the next. Be patient with her or him.
*Remember the special days in your friend or loved one’s days as these may be difficult for her to navigate. Dates such as birthdays, the anniversary of the death, special holidays may be times of renewed grief for her.
*Talk to your friend about their loss when they bring the subject up. Sometimes people will try to avoid the topic, but usually the grieving person feels more comfortable sharing with someone who does talk about their loss. In some cases, the grieving person might specifically ask that you don’t bring up the topic or mention it in certain situations where they are trying to keep emotions under control (a meeting, the work place, etc.).
*Encourage your friend or loved one to check in with their medical doctor. It’s a good time to get a check up – grief puts a great deal of stress and strain on the body and mind. You might suggest they ask their doctor for a referral to a grief support group.