Child Loss - A Different Dimension of Grief

“I’m trying to deal with multiple losses. Actually my child died many years ago, but every time I lose someone else, it seems like I’ve lost her all over again. I have many good days now, but have never gotten over her death. I am not the same person I used to be – maybe people think I am, but I’m not inside. Sometimes my heart will start aching for her and I can’t even figure out what triggered it. The grief still comes and goes. Not to discredit the grief I’ve experienced with other people I’ve loved and lost, but I haven’t recovered the same way from losing my daughter. It seems it is always with me.”


CHILD LOSS BRINGS A GRIEF OF A DIFFERENT DIMENSION
My sympathy is with you for your losses. I’ve also lost many relatives and friends since 1999, as well as had a streak of rather bad luck or whatever you want to call it (car accident, motorcycle accident, divorce, shingles, fall down two flights of stairs & dislocated shoulder, surgeries, loss of my business….).

Multiple losses, changes in our lives, our previous life experiences, the type of support we have available, and our level of determination to fight to get back “into the stream” of life all have an affect on our grief and our ability to cope with it. It can be complicated by our health, anxiety and depression, finances, guilt, fear, and unresolved relationships. I had never experienced child loss before, so I am only learning as I go, but I agree pretty much with every mother and father who has lost a child, it is a grief of a different dimension than other griefs.

EVERY LOSS, OR CHANGE, BRINGS GRIEF THAT TUGS ON PREVIOUS WOUNDS

Every time we lose something or something changes, there is a loss. I think of little losses as pin prinks to our hearts – sometimes they are so quick, we hardly notice them and we recover from them with little or no scarring at all. Sometimes larger or more meaningful losses occur and bigger holes are made – sometimes they take a little longer to heal and there may be some scarring, but generally the scarring will fade away.When it comes to people and pets, the gashes in our hearts are much bigger and more ragged edged. The closer the person was to us, the more meaningful the pet was to us, the deeper the gash. Because it’s not a quick prick or a clean cut, damage is done to the area around it as well. It is much more painful and the pain is much stronger and longer lasting. The more complicated the grief (multiple griefs, anger, unresolved problems, guilt, etc), the harder it is for the area to scab over and the scar tissue to begin growing.

Because there are so many “touchpoints” (reminders in our daily lives and thoughts) about our loved ones, we often break open the scabs repetitively. Thicker, less flexible, scar tissue begins to formeventually – but the area is always tender. Each time we get another wound, it pulls and tugs on the previous scar tissue, causing it to become inflamed and painful again.

THE WOUND FROM CHILD LOSS IS PERMANENTLY SENSITIVE

With a child loss, I envision the grief as a huge gaping hole right through the heart – because it is so huge and so much tissue is lost, the scabs must cover so much area inside the tunnel as well as the outside – there is so much more area that is susceptible to breaking open again. It takes much, much longer for the scar tissue to form. The damage around the hole is moresignificant and wide spread. It pulls and tugs on every single big or little scar we’ve already incurred in life. The gape never completely fills in. The nerves around the wound are permanently disturbed and reactive. Memories, stress, tiredness, changes in our lives, and future wounds, big or small losses, will undoubtedly trigger a child-loss wound to painfully ache and throb again as they either pull on the unmovable, unflexible scars of the wound itself, redamage the affected area, or stimulate the pain nerves surrounding the wound. In other words, as I see it, a child-loss wound never completely heals.

WE MAY FIND WE ARE PERMANENTLY CHANGED

We learn to live with the wound. We learn to take hikes again in our lives, but we stop and rest more frequently. We don’t run quite as fast. Perhaps we might still climb some steep hills, maybe even some mountains, but we are most observant about our footholds and we tend to try to find secure things to hold on to. We are a little more quiet. We are much more observant. Other people seem to zoom on past up, and we feel we are in slow motion most of the time. Like arthritis can bother some people daily and others seasonally, sometimes after a strenuous or stressful day, other times when the weather is cold or they are feeling ill or fatigued, our wounds tend to ache and throb without rhythm or schedule or reason sometimes.

CARE OF SELF IS MANDATORY – MENTAL AND PHYSICAL GRIEF THERAPY

Basics like eating healthily, trying to get into a good routine of sleeping/waking hours, and getting daily fresh air and exercise are vital for managing our pain. Sometimes medication might be needed (antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, sleeping aids – see a doctor for assistance in determining what might help you).

Mental therapy (counseling, support groups, journaling our thoughts, expressing our grief, etc) is usually needed.

Physical therapy is also a good idea – doing something about your depression and grief. For me, physical therapy for grief includes listing the things I need to get done as far as errands, chores, employment responsibilities, family interaction and working on them each day, a little more each day. It also involves listing the things I want to do (getting active again socially, entertaining, going out, crafting, improving my home and atmosphere, getting back into better physical condition) and working on those things a little every day or every other day, a little more each day.

GRIEF WORK HELPS BRING SOME FOCUS AND PURPOSE TO OUR LIVES

It also means, for me, finding my grief work or different types of grief work that I can do (one time projects or ongoing ones). For me, grief work is working on scrapbooks for my son’s two daughters, working on his memorial site and that of my boyfriend’s, writing stories of my son’s life as they come to mind to share with his children, donating to the diabetesassociation and, eventually, helping to fund raise to find new treatments or cures. It has also now grown to include to trying to be a support to others who are grieving. For others it might be pledging to do a good dead in the name of their loved one every day or once a week, or helping to raise funds and/or build a new playground for children. Perhaps doing a walkathon or race for pledges to a specific cause in memory of their loved one. It could be planting wild flower seeds wherever you go or planting a little garden in an area of your yard in tribute. Maybe putting a bench someplace in your yard for reflective moments. It could be building ramps for the handicapped or helping to build homes for the homeless. It could be knitting prayer shawls for others in grief or baby blankets for preemies or to give to unwed mothers. It could be helping with a food drive for the hungry.

I seriously think that finding one’s “grief work”, whether it is a one-time effort or a short term project , an annual event, or an ongoing work, or a variety of tasks and projects, is very important to our souls. It helps me to keep focused and it is helping me, slowly but surely, helping me rejoin the human race as a participant rather than someone just watching from the sidelines. I have not plunged back in … I am taking small, considered steps forward. There are days that I relapse and feel physically and mentally tired (and this is something that happens more frequently now since loss than before even when I overworked myself) that I just can’t get anything done.

YOU GOTTA KEEP TRYING, EVERY DAY, ONE STEP AT A TIME

I definitely have to fight depression. It definitely does nothing to bring my son or other loved ones back. But it isn’t something I can just dismiss –it seems to be entwined in me and hampers my efforts to move forward. But I keep on trying. A little more each day. One step at a time.

The Elusive Good Night's Sleep ...

We need a basic amount of sleep each night to function at our best physically and emotionally during the day. Grief robs us of emotional and physical energy and disrupts our sleep. Lack of sleep compounds grief and sabotages our abilities to function at all. It can become a vicious cycle.

If sleep is evasive, however, we have four choices: 1. natural sleep remedies, 2) changes to your diet, environment and habits, 3) prescription sleeping medications, or 4) combinations of the other three choices.

Some people worry prescription sleeping medications can be addictive and that they will be just trading one situation (little or no sleep) for another (addiction). There are sleeping medications which can be addictive and others that are not. Even the ones with potential to become addictive (that is, you would have trouble sleeping without taking them after a prolonged period of use), can be used under a doctor’s supervision to break a cycle of disrupted sleep and get you back on track. Talk to your medical doctor about what might be best for your situation.

In my case, I had a painful shoulder injury that was already causing sleep difficulties for me. When I was plunged into grief, I could not sleep at all. I became extremely anxious over the sleep issue. The anxiety caused even further sleep complications, as did becoming too tired to get a restorative night’s rest. The answer for me was a short-term prescription medication (less than a week) to break the cycle, allowing me to get several nights of good sleep. After that, I was able to implement some natural sleep remedies and changes to my environment, diet and habits.

The main problem with prescription medications, I think, is that they don’t “cure” the sleep problem. They just treat the symptoms. They can be extremely helpful, or at least they were for me and others I’ve known, in disrupting the cycle I was in, that of little or no sleep, allowing me to get some much needed rest, and allowing me some time to implement some other remedies and changes.

Here are some things you can try. Hopefully, you’ll find something that will help you get your needed rest.

NATURAL REMEDIES

Check with your doctor or nutritionist to find out what amounts you should take. Be sure to mention any natural remedies and supplements to your doctor, especially if you are already being treated for another condition or taking other medications.

1. Valerian - An old herbal sleep remedy, actually subjected to trials that have shown it does help people get a better night’s sleep. Pills, liquid, tea form.
2. Chamomile - A good standby tea for calming down when stressed or over-fatigued.
3. Melatonin
4. Catnip - Contains chemicals similar to those in valerian root and can be brewed as a tea or is available as a liquid extract. Calms you down, but this herb causes cats to become very active. Seems strange to me, but they say it works.
5. Lavender - Lavender can help reduce and even reverse the effects of caffeine in some people. It comes in tea form. It also comes as an essential oil that you can use in your bath, in potpourri or as a massage oil. Some people put drops of it on their pillows.
6. Lemon balm - A wonderful lemon scent and is effective at calming the nerves. Tea, capsules, or liquid extract.
7. Ignatia - For insomnia caused by emotional upset

CHANGES IN YOUR DIET, ENVIRONMENT AND HABITS

Physical Activity
a. Be sure to get exercise even during your grief – especially during your grief! As little as a 15-20 minute brisk walk outdoors can help counteract stress and anxiety levels, your energy levels and help promote a better night’s sleep. Some sources suggest that your vigorous exercise be completed at least three hours prior to your bedtime – exercise can get your blood flowing and your brain operating during the day, promoting deeper, more beneficial sleep at night. If you don’t get enough physical activity during the day, your body will respond with a lower sleep requirement. You will have trouble falling and staying asleep.
b. Get outside in natural light. Melatonin is the main hormone that controls our sleep/awake cycle. When the body produces melatonin (more when there is no light entering the eye), it results in feelings of sleepiness. The control system works on the different amounts of melatonin the body is receiving during the awake state and the sleeping state. It’s production is reduced when sunlight enters the eyes (blue light). If you are not getting enough exposure to sunlight or wearing blue light blocking sunglasses, the body will continue to produce higher levels of melatonin during the day. This will reduce the difference in the day and night levels and will make it harder to fall asleep.

Diet
a. Limit food and drinks that contain alcohol or caffeine and stop consuming them well before bedtime. Caffeine and alcohol will disturb sleep. Most people will find they need to stop caffeine consumption by around noon or 1pm.
b. Do not consume large, heavy meals before bedtime. Although after eating we often feel drowsy, our digestive systems have to work harder at night and can sabotage a good night’s sleep. Consider eating your last meal at least three hours before bedtime and making it a lighter meal.
c. Have a small healthy, high-carbohyrate snack before bedtime so you are not too full or too hungry.
d. Sip a mug of hot steamed or a milk or glass of cold milk before bed. The amino acid L-tryptophan found in milk can help you sleep without side effects.
e. Avoid food and drinks high in sugar before bedtime. Sugar can give you a boost in physical and mental alertness that you just don’t need in the middle of the night.
f. Nicotine may make it difficult to fall asleep and lead to fragmented sleep. If you smoke, consider eliminating those cigarettes during the last part of the evening.
g. Be sure to drink PLENTY of water during the day but stop drinking…
h. Drink some hot, soothing tea (non-caffeine) before bed.

Environment
a. Try playing some soothing background music. I have three “bedtime” CD’s that I use for this, rotating them every now and then. I put them on as I am making final preparations for getting into bed. There are also some “white noise” and “natural sounds” (ocean waves, trickling creeks, rain) to cover up other noises in your house or neighborhood and to help your brain wave patterns slow down.
b. Keep your room dark.
c. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, be sure to keep lights dim. Bright lights can send a signal to the eye that instructs the rest of the body that day has begun and it is time to start waking.
d. Make sure your bed clothes, bed coverings, sheets, and pillows are all comfortable.
e. Make sure the temperature in your bedroom is comfortable – not too hot, not too cold.
f. Make your room a sleeping sanctuary, not a work or entertainment center. Remove televisions, upbeat music, bright lights, computers and laptops.
g. Consider using relaxing scents or aromatherapy oils in the bedroom.

Bedtime Routines
a. Establish a regular retiring and rising time. Go to bed and get up at the same time every night and every day throughout the week, not just week days. Staying up late on the weekends and sleeping in just resets your internal clock making it more difficult to fall asleep and sleep soundly.
b. Don’t nap during the day. This also resets your internal sleep clock.
c. Before getting into bed, empty your head. Get the items you need to do and things you want to remember out of your brain and onto paper. Put a notepad and pen beside your bed. Just before turning out the light, write down everything you’re worried about, and those things we want to remember that seem to pop into our heads just as we are retiring for the day.
d. Take a warm, relaxing shower or bath before bed. Our bodies tend to also regulate by temperature. At the end of a warm day, the temperature around us and in our bodies drops, causing the body to slow down and get sleepy. Taking a warm bath heightens the temperature temporarily but tends to cause a quicker drop once we are out of the tub/shower bringing on quicker sleepy feelings.
e. Run your bath, turn out the lights, and light a candle or two – maybe add some relaxing background music while you enjoy your relaxing bath.
f. After you’ve run your bath, consider adding 4 to 5 drops of one of the following essential oils to the water: chamomile, hops, lavender, neroli, rose, vetiver, and ylang-ylang.
g. Use a handful of one or two of the following herbs, wrapped in netting, in your bathtub (while running your hot water into the tub): chamomile, lavender, lime flower, mint, or passion flower.
h. Read in bed for 15-20 minutes – something meditative (religious readings, poetry). Reading can be distracting. Religious readings can be comforting, especially if familiar. Poetry can help relax us with its gentle rhythm.
i. Snuggle up with a comfort object (i.e., a shirt or teddy bear that belonged to your loved one). Hug it and let the tears flow if you feel like crying. Letting out some of our grief with tears helps lessen the physical tightness of holding so much of it inside all day long.
j. A breathing meditation that calms and works, shared by a wonderful online support facilitator: Close one nostril with two fingers while exhaling deeply through the open nostril. Now use two fingers to cover the opposite nostril and inhale deeply. One nostril is always closed and the other is open. Do not breath through your mouth. Keep repeating saying to yourself exhale, inhale, while you are doing the exhaling and inhaling. Saying the words to yourself does not allow you to think about anything else. Try to do this for at least 20 minutes beforebedtime. And do it as often as possible during the day.Practice other relaxation exercises, meditation, deep breathing and/or gentle stretching (not vigorous exercise) before bed.

Ideas submitted by others:
1. Tylenol PM
2. Xanax
3. Simply Sleep, also by Tylenol
4. Repetitive hair brushing (even more affective, I think, when someone else is doing the brushing)
5. Rocking in a rocking chair
6. What sometimes works for me is to lay on my back, close my eyes, and (wow this sounds weird) picture my toes. Then I picture them melting into the bed (see, half the reason I can't sleep is my imagination runs wild all night long, so this is easy for me), then move on up my body, one by one picturing parts of me melting into my bed (sometimes I imagine them turning to sand) usually by the time I hit my torso I'm out..... It's kind of a relaxation technique, and since I have to use my mind, It kind of helps shut my brain off regarding everything else.
7. lay with your eyes closed on your back. starting at your toes, tell yourself to relax them. when they are completely relaxed move on to your calf muscles. keep moving on until every muscle in your body is completely relaxed.
8. Epson salts with lavender or chamomile
9. When I can't sleep I pray and recite scriptures that I have memorized it works everytime!!
10. sleep i do not recommend this for everyone but benadryl will help 25mg will usually do it used to be used for a sleep aid but again i do not recommend for everyone depending on medical history ect. but most people that have taken cold meds have taken a antihistamine

Things that can sabotage your sleep:
1. Alertness medications
2. Pain relievers
3. Antidepressants
4. Arthritis medications
5. Asthma medications
6. Blood pressure medications
7. Cold and allergy medications
8. Diet pills

Check with your doctor and/or pharmacist to see if any of the medications you are taking could be causing or accenting problems with your sleep. Ask if taking these medications at a different time of the day or night would help, if the prescriptive dosage might need to be changed, or if there are possible alternatives that might work for you and not affect your sleep.

Thanks to the members of the following for submitting their suggestions: TheBereavementJourney.com; CafeMom Newcomers Club; CafeMom Grief & Loss Group; CafeMom Grieving: Surviving The Loss of A Child Group; co-workers, friends, and family.

Our grief becomes part of who we are ...

In response to a fellow grief traveler who is worried that she is becoming a mean and angry person:

We don't return to the past, to our old selves, after we pass through the acute stages of grief.

Every day, with or without grief, we are evolving, learning, changing ... usually in ways so slight we don't notice their assimulation.

You are not the same person you were when you were five, or six, or fifteen or twenty. To those who are parents now, you know you are not the same as before you were parents. And to all of us who have lost someone, we will not be quite the same even after the grief passes.

We have new knowledge and new experience ... and it is becoming part of who we are. We are full of a whole realm of emotions that are part of the grief process, but they are our feelings, not WHO we are.

It will be up to us to shape and mold it a bit here and there, trim off the anger by letting it out in some way, walk off the depression, fill in those moments of sadness with good memories and positive actions of remembrance, and to move forward. Anger is part of grief, just as is the sadness. We often don't want to be angry at the person who left us (but deep inside we sometimes are, just at the fact they left us), and there are plenty of people who could have done things differently, responded differently, done more, or who just didn't do it OUR way that we often turn our anger towards. Very frequently we turn our anger inwards at ourselves (depression is usually anger turned inwards).

But there will be anger. And if you work through it - talk to people about it, write it out in a journal, take a fast paced walk and stomp it out - then eventually you'll find yourselves feeling less angry, or not angry every day, and you'll find there are more days in between the days you are feeling angry and spiteful ... just like the days of shock ... and the ones of sadness ... You'll also find something in the future that will bring on angry feelings, seemingly out of no where, just like the sadness part of grief. You might see someone acting like someone who made you made in the past, or you'll hear words that stir up the anger. Or you'll even just see a color or smell something, and you might not even notice that you have, and all of a sudden you'll have a day of rage.

Please know you are not turning into a "forever angry, mean, spiteful" person ... this, too, will pass ... of course, it takes time and work. Be patient with yourself.

They Are Worthy Of Our Grief ...

How people cope with grief, that is how they process through the initialacute grief stages and how they continue on the rest of their lives with thegrief that always remains, is so varied.

It depends so much on our past histories and previous griefs we may havealready endured, what our relationship was with the person we lost, if there were any complications in that relationship that we are left to deal with(for instance, an unresolved fight), what unfinished business we had withthem that we must take care of ourselves now, what kind of support system we have around us, what our religious or spiritual beliefs are and how strongthey are, and the state of our own mental and physical health.

The first thing is to be able to find time and space to actually grieve.This may mean yell, cry, scream, sit and ponder, question. Sometimes it'shard to find this time and space because we have to go back to work so quickly, we have others to care for, and we have people who want us to"hurry up and getting over this."

Then, I think, and I think a lot of people here will agree, that the telling of our story, of our relationship with our lost one, of their life and theirpassing, and of our feelings about this person and this loss, is almostmandatory. It can be told to family, friends, and co-workers, but eventuallya majority of them will become tired of hearing the same story told, even ifit is told in a variety of ways. You can tell it to strangers (I think most of us have done this). You can write about it in a private journal. You can talk to your doctor, your dentist, your barber. You can talk to a counselor about it. You can usually find some sort of grief support group in or nearyour community. You can put together a scrapbook of photos and memories. You can make an online memorial or a little memorial in your own home or garden.You can join support groups like this (where, because we understand the need, we won't get tired of hearing your story over and over again). These are all ways to tell your story. You may want to try all of them. You may want to try some of them now and some of them later.

If there were complications or too much unfinished business in your relationship with your loved one, then those feelings need to be discoveredand dealt with. Sometimes just in telling our stories and gettingconfirmation from others that we are not guilty, or that we did the best we could under the conditions we had to deal with, will help with this. Othertimes, it might be wise to consult with a professional.

The next thing on the list is taking care of yourself. Grief attacks all our nerves and feelings, our energy, our appetites, our sleeping habits. We needto drink extra water and less caffeine during this time. We need to get at least 15 minutes of exercise (it can be simple walking outside in the fresh air). We need to go to bed and rise at regular times, even when we cannot sleep. We need a check up at our doctor and we need to ask for help in anyof the areas of physical or mental problems we may be experiencing.Sometimes an anti-depressant might be prescribed; sometimes a sleeping aid for a short time to help you get back on track or get some much needed sleep. We need to stay away from junk foods and eat healthier foods right now - even if they are in smaller portions.

Then we need to find our own "grief work". Again, this is very personal,very individual. It can be a short term, one time thing or an ongoing thing.We need to find something in our life to DO in tribute to our loved ones.Maybe it's becoming a better, kinder, more patient person. Maybe doing anonymous good deeds. Perhaps it's helping to build a new community park or raising funds for a resting bench in a preserve. Maybe it's going to the beach every year and picking up litter. Or raising funds for more research in the disease or condition that took our loved one away. Perhaps it's joining a group that fights drinking and driving. Or perhaps its resolving to be on the lookout for someone in grief and being as supportive as possible. You might find your grief work resolved in creating the online memorial or a scrapbook of tribute or in planting a new little memorialgarden or in digging up earth and planting a new flower or bush in tribute.Again, you might want to do one thing now and something later, too. Or you may want to do many things.

Sometimes we need to initially restrict our extra activities to help reserve our energy for grieving (it takes a lot of energy). Some people find a comfort in returning to as much of a regular routine as possible as quicklyas possible, just so that so much more of their life isn't disrupted anymore than it already has been.

I have lost my father, aunt, grandparents, and just last year lost my beloved first born son and my boyfriend. It was, perhaps, time for mygrandparents to pass on but it doesn't make the space they left in my lifeany less empty, but my father and aunt both died of quick and unexplainedhealth issues. My son was stricken with sudden and uncontrollable diabetes Iin his late 20s and it attacked his body with a vengeance. He died last January. My boyfriend died, very unexpectedly, also from complications ofdiabetes I, this past September.

Grief is hard and painful work. The more valuable and loved our departed was to us, the harder and more painful our grief will be. They are worthy of this grief we endure. We do get through the initial acute stages, and we learn how to carry on with our lives, incorporating our loss into who we are.