Wiggy's Words: Endless Highway

The Loss Of A Child

The moment that I knew you had died,
My heart split in two,
The one side filled with memories,
The other died with you.

I often lay awake at night,
When the world is fast asleep,
And take a walk down memory lane,
With tears upon my cheek.

Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
But missing you is a heartache,
That never goes away.

I hold you tightly within my heart,
And there you will remain,
Life has gone on without you,
But it never will be the same.

For those who still have their children,
Treat them with tender care,
You will never know the emptiness,
As when you turn and they are not there.

Don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve,
Don't tell me when to cry.

Accept me in my ups and downs,
need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, "My friend, I care

Author unknown

Thanks for stopping by!

Thanks for stopping by my Grief Support Blog! This blog will be added to as new resources are discovered and examined, as I find new poetry, or write new articles. Please stop back by again! A blog seems to scroll on forever as you add to it, and older articles are "archived". Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on a link to see older articles. You'll then be taken to the top of the blog again and will have to scroll down the page to see the older articles now placed on the page. CONTENTS Poems and Submissions by Others... ~One More Mile, Renee Williams ~A Pair of Shoes, Anonymous ~God Saw You, Anonymous ~How Am I?, by Jennifer Bonner ~How We Survive, by Mark Rickerby ~Please See Me Through My Tears, Kelly Osmont ~To One In Sorrow, Grace Noll Crowell Memorials... ~Michael Aaron Botten ~Matthew Robert Slasor Resources ~Two More Resources ~Support Groups Online ~Books and Articles ~List of Grief and Comfort Songs ~Tributes to Lost Loved Ones Articles ~Cloud Bursts ~Endless Highway ~I Feel That No One Cares ~Seaching for Comfort and Cures ~Child Loss - A Different Dimension of Grief ~The Elusive Good Night's Sleep ~Our Grief Becomes a Part of Who We Are ~Healing Times - Taking Care of You ~Some Ways to Help a Grieving Person ~They Are Worthy of Our Grief ~Coming Back to Life Again ~Another Calendar Page Falls to the Floor ~Holiday Memorial Wreath ~The Grief Pack ~No More Compensation ~Grief Journeys - Heading for Dry Land ~The Red Light Won't Go Off (Child Loss) ~Go At Your Own Pace...But Keep on Trying

Michael Aaron Botten

February 18, 1974 - January 09, 2007

Beloved first-born son of Sandra Burgess-Dean and William Botten; brother to Tracie Dean and Matthew Botten; father to two beautiful daughters, Krista and Kelsey.

He loved old cars, motorcycles, pickup trucks, fixing things, remote control vehicles, model cars, bicycles, creating with clay, drawing, reading his Bible, his family, friends, and co-workers. He was a volunteer fireman and a maintenance technician.

Michael suffered from sudden, acute, and uncontrollable diabetes in his late 20's. Gastroparesis and osteoporosis, along with severe and painful neuropathy, soon followed. Although he endured a broken heart, broken dreams, and a very painful, broken body, he continued smiling and praying for everyone he knew. He expected nothing. He appreciated everything. He gave all he could give.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Endless Highway

I'm not quite sure how I've made it this far
It seems like I've been in a fast moving car
It's a one-way crowded highway
and there's no turning around
Just pit stops on the shoulder for sorrows and grief,
for nourishment, fuel, and a few stops for relief
Then back into the car and back on the road
Bumper to bumper, driving on, forward, endlessly
I use to see people on the side of the road, standing there
The tears streaming, their heads bowed in prayer
I'd wondered what they were doing, why they'd stopped
But I didn't ask too many questions,
I'd just remember their faces and the feeling of fear
That they may have just lost something sacred and dear
Then I had to pull over a few times on my own
God, it's hard to pull over...
Sometimes you get to gage it a little and pull off carefully
Othertimes it's just like a front tire is blown
And you are just jerked off the road
But it's even harder to get back in the car and drive
And leave my loved ones behind
And the farther I keep driving, the more the space grows ...
between me and them ....
And there's no turning back
No turning around
No starting over
No U-turns
I can object to the rules of this road,
It often feels like nobody's listening or nobody cares
But I know really that it's just because
that's the way this road was laid out
And no one can change it...
It's difficult to see any landmarks of hope ahead
When your vision is blurred with tears...
And I keep denting fenders because
I'm not watching where I'm driving
I'm busy looking in my rearview mirror

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My dearest Matthew

Matthew Slasor, son of Robert and Beth Slasor, was father to three beautiful daughters, Jennifer, Leslie, and Valerie. He is survived also by one brother and two sisters.

Matthew loved golf, the Red Wings, helping others, karoke, singing with his guitar, church work, ice cream, and motorcycles. He helped me care for my dying son. He held me up when Michael died. He wrote me a song and sang it at Mikey's memorial service. He gave me strength and hope for the future.

Matthew died, unexpectedly, while in California for job training, of diabetic complications.

How Am I?

by Jennifer Bonner
Member of lossofachild2 grief support group

How are you doing? Fine, I say, I am doing well
Until that invisible snag and my heart starts to swell
The tears pour out and they back away
It just isn't the thing they want you to say
That your heart is broken and so is your soul
You child that died left an unfillable hole
Even your friends want to think that you are good
And I don't want to say what I think I should
A song or a sight brings me to the edge of tears
His likes and dislikes, even his fears
The sight of a bus or a tree where he hid
Any and all of the things that he did
They all cause me to cry and fall apart
The littlest thing can make me start
How long will I do that? For how many years?
When will I smile instead of melting in tears?
I miss him so much is what I want to say
But I smile and nod and say
Have a nice day.

Two more resources

I signed up at a site called Daily Strength, another community of support for men and women covering a huge realm of topics, when I was still in the early stages of my raw grief. I've continued to visit there regularly, but totally spaced it when thinking of places to share!

Please visit Daily Strength and see if this type of bulletin community support (search for grief) might be of interest to you.

http://dailystrength.org/support-groups

Another site was shared by a DS community member, called Letters to Heaven. You can write brief letters to your loved ones as frequently as you want. I have tried it and am now visiting quite regularly.

http://members.cox.net/wanita1/letterstoheaven.html

"If their song is to continue, we must do the singing..."

We have to find that special way that will allow us to sing our loved one’s song loud and clear . . . Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one's memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joy to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory.
-- Elaine Stillwell, in "Singing Their Song," Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4

List of Grief and Comfort Songs

The following songs are suggestions from several grief groups - not all will be appropriate for your situation and they are an assortment of different types of music. I would appreciate your comments on additional songs that could be added to this list! Thanks!

A Mother’s Prayer – Celine Dion*x
A smile Like yours - Natalie Cole
Amazing – Janelle*x
Amazing Grace – Chris Tomlin*x
Amazing Grace – LeeAnn Rimes*x
Amazing Grace – Acoustical*x
Arms of An Angel, Sarah McLaughlin
Baby Mine - Alison Krause*x
Baby Mine – Bette Midler*x
Better Days – Goo Goo Dolls*x
Borrowed Angels – Diane Warren
Broken - Chris Daughtry*x
Broken – Lindsey Haun*x
Butterfly – Mariah Carey*x
Bye Bye, Mariah Carey*x
Calling All Angels -Trane
Can You Hear Me When I Talk To You - Ashley Gearing
Daddy's Hands – The Judds*
Dancing with the Angels - Monk and Neagle
Don’t Give Up - Peter Gabrielle and Kate Bush*x
Don’t Give Up – Sinead O’Connor, Peter Gabriel*x
Don't Stop Dancing - Creed *x
Don’t You Cry Tonight – Guns n Roses*x
Dreaming with a Broken Heart-- John Mayer*x
Every Mile a Memory - Dierks Bentley*x
Every Step You Take, Eric Clapton *x
Every Breathe You Take – Puff Daddy & Sting*x
Everything – Lifehouse*x
Flood – Jars of Clay*x
Free Bird – Lynyrd Skynard*x
Fly - Celine Dion*x
Glory Baby – Watermark
God Must Be Busy – Brooks and Dunn*x
Godspeed - Dixie Chicks*x
Goodbye My Lover – James Blunt*x
Go rest high on that mountain - Vince Gill*x
Heaven's Highest Hill - Billy Falcon*
Held, Natalie Grant*x
He’s My Son - Mark Schultz
He Will Carry Me – Mark Schultz*x
Here Without You – Three Doors Down (on CD)
His Eye Is On The Sparrow – Mahalia Jackson*x
Holes In The Floor of Heaven - Blake Shelton*x
Homesick – Mercy Me*x
Hope, Stephen Curtis Chapman
How Can I Help You Say Goodbye – Patty Lovelace*x
How Do I Live - Leanne Rimes*x
Hurt – Johnny Cash*x
I Believe – Brooks and Dunn*
I Believe - Diamond Rio*x
I Can Only Imagine, Mercy Me*x
I Could Not Ask For More – Sarah Evans*x
I don't want to get over you - Waylon Jennings*x
I Give You to His Heart - Allison Kraus
If Heaven was needing a hero - JoDee Messina
If I Saw You In Heaven, Eric Clapton *x
I Grieve – Peter Gabriel
I Hope You Dance – Leanne Womack*x
I’ll Be Missing You – Puff Daddy *x
I’m Already Home – Tim McGraw*x
I’m Already There – Lonestar*x
I Miss You – Miley Cyrus*x
In loving Memory - Alter Bridge*x
I Saw God Today – George Strait*x
It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday – Boys II Men*x
I Will Remember You – Sarah McLaughlin*x
Knocking On Heaven’s Door – Peter Clampton*x
Life Ain’t Always Beautiful – Gary Allen*x
Love of a Lifetime – Lifehouse* x
Mother and Child Reunion – Paul Simon*x
My Immortal - Evanescence *x
My Name – George Canyon*X
My wish --Rascal Flatts*x
Never let go - Bryan Adams*x
Nothing Compares to You – Sinead O’Connor*x
One More Day – Lonestar*x
One Sweet Day – Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men*x
Only One For Daughter – Tracy Chapman
Our Farewell - Within Temptation*x
Please Remember – LeeAnn Rimes*x
Praise You in this Storm - Casting Crowns*x
Precious Child - Karen Taylor-Good
Seasons in The Sun – Cat Stevens*x
Slipped Away - Avril Lavigne*x
Stay - Little Big Town*x
Sweet child of mine – Sheryl Crow*x
Tears in Heaven, Celine Dion
The Dance - Garth Brooks*x
The Heart Never Forgets – Leann Rimes*x
The Living Years – Russell Watson
The Rose – Bette Midler *x
The Sweetest Gift – Emmylou Harris*x
The Sweetest Gift – Sade*x
There You'll Be - Faith Hill*x
They Dance Alone – Sting*x
Thief – Third Day*x
This Woman’s Work – Maxwell*x
Through the years - Kenny Rogers*x
10,000 Miles - Mary Chapin Carpenter
Time to Say Goodbye – Celine Dion and Josh Groban*x
Visitor from Heaven - Twila Paris
Waiting on an Angel – Ben Harper*x
Wake Me Up When September Ends – Green Day*x
Watch Over You – Alter Bridge*x
We Carry On – Tim McGraw*x
We Will Not Pass This Way Again--Forester Sisters
When God made you – Newsong, with Natalie Grant*x
When I get where Im going - Brad Paisley w/Dolly Parton*x
Where You Are, Josh Groban*x
Who You’d Be Today, Kenny Chesney*x
Wind Beneath My Wings – Bette Midler*
Winds of Change – The Scorpions*x
Wish You Were Here – Incubus*x
Wish You Were Here - Mark Wills*x
With Arms Wide Open – Creed*x
World's Greatest - R. Kelly*x
You Are So Beautiful to Me - Joe Cocker*x
You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban*x
You're missing - Bruce Springstein*x
You'll Be in My Heart - Phil Collins*x
You Were Loved – Wynonna Judd*x
Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus*x
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Allen Pederson.
http://www.everashl/ eymusic.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More songs submitted:
Forever Young – Pretenders
I Can Go The Distance – Josh Groban
I’ll Wait for You – Joe Nichols
Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow – Wideawake
No Air – Jordan Sparks
Time of Your Life – Green DayYou’re Still You – Josh Groban

Books/Articles (suggested by others who are also traveling the grief journey)

*A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
*A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
*After a Child Dies: Counseling Bereaved, by Sherry Johnson (1987)
*After the Death of A Child, Living With Loss Through The Years, by Ann K. Finkbeiner
*Born Too Soon
*Dear Parents: Letters To Bereaved Parents
*Final Gifts Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley
*Good Grief, by Granger Westberg
*Hannah’s Gift, Lessons From a Life Fully Lived
*Healing is a Choice by Steve Arterburn
*Letting Go With Love: The Grieving Process, Nancy O’Connor
*Pain is Inevitable but Misery is Optional, by Barbara Johnson (1990)
*Roses in December, Comfort for the Grieving Heart
*The Bereaved Parent, Harriett Schillf
*The Grief Recovery Handbook, James & Cherry (1988)
*Through a Season of Grief: Devotions for your Journey from Mourning to Joy, by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard
*When God Doesn’t Make Sense, by James Dobson (1993)
*When Good-Bye is Forever: Learning To Live Again After The Loss of a Child, by John Bramblett (1991)
*You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay

Tributes to Lost Loved Ones...a list in process

When tragedy first strikes, there isn't anything we can think of to bring us any comfort. Inside many of us is an urge that grows, however, do something to honor our loved ones who have passed away. On significant days, such as birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, we've had traditions that included our loved ones. Now we have to deal with the empty place at the dinner table, the empty side of the bed, the Christmas stocking of our loved one (do we hang it up anyway or store it away? Either way, it doesn't feel right.), Our loss will stab us when we are deciding to bake a cake or casserole (it was our loved one's favorite and he or she is no longer here, with us, to enjoy it. Our throats will tighten, and so will our grip on the pen, when we go to sign family greetings on a holiday card (there's a name missing now). We need things to do that are positive to help counteract all the painful reminders, just to help balance things a little.

This Christmas, my first without my son Michael and my beloved friend Matthew, I'm going to try doing the Memorial Wreath. It is a simple little ceremony involving three candles that can be done alone, with members of the immediate family, or at the beginning or ending of a group celebration. (See my journal posts for the ceremony, which, of course, you can revise to suit your own situation.) I am going to have framed photos of both Michael and Matthew on the dining room table, which is slightly out of the main flow of traffic here. I plan to light the candle early and leave a copy of the words to the ceremony on the table for people who arrive later to read, if they'd like. Not everyone who is coming to the Christmas potluck is in the grief mode that I am. I realize that, as much as I want to be allowed to grieve at my own pace and in my own way, I need to allow others to continue to enjoy their lives in their own way as well.

Here are some other ideas that have been shared:

* Select a special candle and framed photo of your loved one to set out on a mantle or small table. Light the candle on special days or at special gatherings.

* Purchase or make a special ornament for your Christmas tree in honor of your loved one that you can hang each year.

* Sign your holiday cards and letters with your current family members. Buy a small rubber stamp in a design that reflects your loved one - an angel, a dove, a rattle, a bouquet of flowers - and stamp each card with that stamp in lieu of your loved one's name.

* Hang a Christmas stocking for your loved one as usual. Invite family and friends to write special memories on small cards or letters and place them in the stocking. Family members can open these later at a time when they usually open their stockings.
*Buy a gift or gifts for your loved one and donate them to a needy cause - a homeless shelter, a nursing home, etc.

*Make a donation to a special cause (March of Dimes, Red Cross, The Diabetes Association, etc) in the name of your loved one. Chose the same one every year or something different every year.

*Buy a small little Christmas tree, in a planter, to decorate and set on your loved one's grave site during the holidays.

*Write small messages to your loved one, insert them inside helium balloons. Take to the beach, the mountains, the lake side, or some special spot and release them.

*Do something for others, on behalf of your loved one. If you knit, start knitting prayer shawls for those who are in grief or sweaters, scarves, mittens for the needy. If you quilt or sew, start making little blankets for newborn babies of young unwed mothers. Check with a local nursing home and see if there is something you can do as a volunteer - a reading or craft time, visiting with someone who does not have any visitors coming to see them. Collect canned food for the hungry. Serve meals at homeless shelters. In doing something to help others, you'll be doing something positive and helpful in your loved one's memory.

*Make a scrapbook of photos, mementos, letters, or written memories of your loved one. You don't have to be fancy or you can be as creative as you want. Join a scrapbooking group here at cafemom to get some scrapbooking ideas.

*Create a small area of memorial in your home - a side of the mantel, a small table, a shelf - where you can set a photo and perhaps some mementos of your loved one. I have a little round table where I have set the beautiful wooden urn, Mike's photo, the vase his sister made for his memorial service - now filled with bright daffodils (the fake kind, but he loved yellow), and a little card that says "Faith" on it. I may add another item or two as time goes on (I'm still sorting through piles of his belongings). This sits, for now, to the side of the living room where company will see it. It springs conversations (I still want people to talk about my son!) and being off to the side, gives people a place to go for a few moments of private reflection if they desire.

*Every year on the birth date of her son, one friend purchased a small miniature rose to put in her garden. Over the years, she has grown quite a collection of beautiful colorful flowers - a wonderful place to go to reflect.

*Are you a beachcomber? Another friend would make each trip to the beach a time to search for a memento for a large bowl she had at home. Her son loved the beach and collecting shells, sand dollars, odd shaped pieces of wood, etc. Now she looks for unbroken sand dollars, odd shaped pieces of wood, and pretty or unusual rocks or shells herself. Her favorite thing to look for are heart shaped rocks or shells.

*Write letters in a journal or notebook to your loved one. Express your grief, explore your memories, confess your guilt, find your forgiveness. Add pictures, drawings, doodles, stickers if you'd like. Get it out on paper. It does help.

If you stop by and read this and have any other ideas, please leave your comments so we can share with others who have to travel the journey of grief. Thank you.

How We Survive

by Mark Rickerby

Sometimes,
if we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.

If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wrench of being torn apart;
of being reminded
that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.
We are all dancing
on the edge of a precipice,
a dizzying cliff so high
we can't see the bottom.

One by one,
we lose those we love most
into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them
without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us
someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss
will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid
during the day
and fall into at night.

Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit
spiritually or physically,
hoping to find them there.

And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when their breath is crushed
under the weight of silence
and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...

The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made them feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, they fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end.
That is how they would want it to be.

This poem was written by Mark Rickerby (www.markrickerby.com) who wrote it for a friend who was grieving. He says, "Feel free to use the poem in any way you see fit... I've done my share of grieving so it would make me very happy if my poem helped others feel a little better."

"A Pair of Shoes"

Submitted by a member of a grief support group on yahoo list

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they
think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown