PLEASE DON’T SAY….
~”It could have been worse.”
~”Your loved one is in a better place.”
~”You need to get your mind off of this.”
~”At least you are young enough to find someone else and get married again.”
~”You can still have more children.”
~”At least you still have other children.”~
”At least you got to have your children for ‘x’ number of years.”
~”At least you didn’t have the baby long enough to get attached.”
~”At least the baby died before birth so you didn’t get attached.”
~”Wow, looks like you are all better now.”
~”Now you have an angel watching over you.”
~”It’s probably for the best.”
~”There must have been something wrong.”
~”I know how you feel.”
~”Be grateful for the time you did have together.”
~”Be grateful that you still have other children.”
~”At least you got to be married (or fall in love or have a child), even if you lost them. Some people never get to be married (or fall in love or have a child) at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS YOU MIGHT SAY …
~”I’m sorry.”
~”What can I do to help?”
~”I’m here for you.”
~”I love you.”
~”I really care about you.”
~”I don’t know what to say, but I am sorry.”
~”I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL …
*Help field phone calls and greet visitors during the first days after the loss. Many people will call to verify the news or offer condolences. Others will want to know about any services that will be held. It’s very helpful if friends and family members help take care of the phone calls that need to be answered, and also the ones that need to be made (inviting friends and family members to the services).
*Make, or encourage others to make, meals for the bereaved and their family and guests. Snack foods are great donations, too. Breakfast rolls, casseroles, salads – foods that need little or no preparation or that can just be heated and served are wonderful help to the family.
*Extend words of sympathy. Saying, “I’m so sorry” or “You are in my thoughts and prayers” are just fine. It’s hard to know what to say, and just saying “I really don’t know what to say, but I am sorry for your loss” is just fine.
*There is no set time on grieving. The grief period varies with the individual and the situation. For parents who lose a child, grief may be more intense and extended. Telling the person they need to “get on with their life” or that they need to “get over it” or that it’s time to “move on” won’t help them heal any faster.
*Let the grieving person talk about his grief and loss, share his feelings, shed tears. Be patient with your friend or loved one – their moods may change back and forth from sadness to anger to numbness without much notice. Remember that their behaviors may also be variable or unusual while they are going through all the stages of grief.
*Listen without interrupting or changing the subject, without dispensing advice, and without trying to cheer them up.
*Visit frequently, gauging the length of your visits on how the grieving person is doing. Ask them if they need more space or if they need to have you around more frequently.
*Ask what you can do to help rather than inviting them to call you if they need anything. They may not know what they need or what they need to do first. Sometimes you can help them brainstorm or make lists of things that are needed or that need to be done. You can volunteer specifically for something they need help with. Can you help with some laundry? Dishes? Vacuuming? Watering the plants or feeding the pets?
*The death of a loved one causes an abrupt halt to every day living, and even things such as finances can be stressed. It may have been the member of the family who provided the main income source who has died. The person in grief may need to take time off from work without pay while in the acute stages of mourning. Extra company means extra food, heat, and other expenses during visitations following the death and funeral. Funerals and other types of services may or may not have been anticipated in most budgets and frequently are a huge burden on the remaining family members. You might encourage other family and friends to contribute to a fund to help the family out during this time.
*Give hugs or hold hands if acceptable, or just sit close by. Sometimes a person in grief may want to be physically close one minute and want to be separate and untouched the next. Be patient with her or him.
*Remember the special days in your friend or loved one’s days as these may be difficult for her to navigate. Dates such as birthdays, the anniversary of the death, special holidays may be times of renewed grief for her.
*Talk to your friend about their loss when they bring the subject up. Sometimes people will try to avoid the topic, but usually the grieving person feels more comfortable sharing with someone who does talk about their loss. In some cases, the grieving person might specifically ask that you don’t bring up the topic or mention it in certain situations where they are trying to keep emotions under control (a meeting, the work place, etc.).
*Encourage your friend or loved one to check in with their medical doctor. It’s a good time to get a check up – grief puts a great deal of stress and strain on the body and mind. You might suggest they ask their doctor for a referral to a grief support group.
Michael Aaron Botten 02/18/74-01/09/07
My beloved first-born son
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Healing Times - Taking Care of You
~Sleep will sometimes be difficult, but try to remain on a fairly regular schedule as far as going to bed and rising. You may need to take some extra little rests through the days.
~Drink lots of water. Try to restrict your intake of caffeine.
~Get some daily exercise. Go for a walk around the block or through a park. Take a friend with you. Cry while you are walking if you need to. You are going to feel physically tired and depleted, but you need to get some daily exercise. Try to get even just 15 minutes of walking in a day for benefit.
~Be aware that certain calendar markers (monthly anniversary dates of the death, a birthday – yours or your loved one, holidays … can trigger intense sorrow and grief. Plan ahead to do something on those days or to be with somebody.
~Talk about your loved one and your relationship – with friends, support groups online or local groups or journal online in a blog or write in a notebook. It’s important to get your feelings out. Friends, family, and co-workers may tire of the subject - that’s why grief support groups, people who understand the need to keep talking about our departed ones, are so wonderful. Try to always include a positive point in your conversations or writing: something positive about the relationship you had, a good memory of a time together.
~Distractions are good, too. Plan a short trip away to visit friends or relatives.
~Concentration can suffer during grief, as can organization. Keep a notebook handy to make lists of things you need (grocery, household items), things you need to do (pay bills, take pet to vet), things you want to do as time and energy and desire allow (scrapbook, thank you cards, paint a room), and resources you might want to explore later (a support group you’ve heard mentioned, a book you might want to locate and read, a new class you might want to take).
~Start some new traditions – perhaps you can plan these with your family and friends – during holidays or on other special days. You could, perhaps, participate in a fundraising marathon every year in memory of your loved one, or donate to a special cause. Maybe you might want to consider serving meals to the hungry and homeless during the holidays. You could have a special holiday memorial wreath to honor your loved one in addition to your regular holiday traditions.
~Be careful driving. Plan driving during daylight hours after you are most rested. Drive short trips only or plan for more frequent rest stops on route.
~Be careful with candles. Because our concentration and coordination isn’t the best, especially during the early stages of grief, candles can be left burning unsafely when we go to bed or take naps or leave the house. One of my doctors suggested not even using candles for the first six months or putting someone else in charge of extinguishing them.
~Limit your exposure to news reports on the radio, television and newspaper about tragic events.
~Drink lots of water. Try to restrict your intake of caffeine.
~Get some daily exercise. Go for a walk around the block or through a park. Take a friend with you. Cry while you are walking if you need to. You are going to feel physically tired and depleted, but you need to get some daily exercise. Try to get even just 15 minutes of walking in a day for benefit.
~Be aware that certain calendar markers (monthly anniversary dates of the death, a birthday – yours or your loved one, holidays … can trigger intense sorrow and grief. Plan ahead to do something on those days or to be with somebody.
~Talk about your loved one and your relationship – with friends, support groups online or local groups or journal online in a blog or write in a notebook. It’s important to get your feelings out. Friends, family, and co-workers may tire of the subject - that’s why grief support groups, people who understand the need to keep talking about our departed ones, are so wonderful. Try to always include a positive point in your conversations or writing: something positive about the relationship you had, a good memory of a time together.
~Distractions are good, too. Plan a short trip away to visit friends or relatives.
~Concentration can suffer during grief, as can organization. Keep a notebook handy to make lists of things you need (grocery, household items), things you need to do (pay bills, take pet to vet), things you want to do as time and energy and desire allow (scrapbook, thank you cards, paint a room), and resources you might want to explore later (a support group you’ve heard mentioned, a book you might want to locate and read, a new class you might want to take).
~Start some new traditions – perhaps you can plan these with your family and friends – during holidays or on other special days. You could, perhaps, participate in a fundraising marathon every year in memory of your loved one, or donate to a special cause. Maybe you might want to consider serving meals to the hungry and homeless during the holidays. You could have a special holiday memorial wreath to honor your loved one in addition to your regular holiday traditions.
~Be careful driving. Plan driving during daylight hours after you are most rested. Drive short trips only or plan for more frequent rest stops on route.
~Be careful with candles. Because our concentration and coordination isn’t the best, especially during the early stages of grief, candles can be left burning unsafely when we go to bed or take naps or leave the house. One of my doctors suggested not even using candles for the first six months or putting someone else in charge of extinguishing them.
~Limit your exposure to news reports on the radio, television and newspaper about tragic events.
Please See Me Through My Tears
by Kelly Osmont
You asked, "How am I doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes... and you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given me drained away.
"How am I doing?"...
I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. This pain is indescribable. If you've never known it you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, When I'm ignored, I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They're nature's way of helping me to heal...They relieve some of the stress of sadness.
I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brings me sadness ...but you're wrong. The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me, Only a thought away. My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain...it was already there.
When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, And you don't need to do a thing but be there. When I feel your permissionto allow my tears to flow, you've helped me. You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient...do not fear.
Listening with your heart to"how I am doing" relieves the pain, for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases what I've been wanting to say aloud, clearing space for a touch of joy in my life. I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyes, and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.
When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots... because I'm trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt...me, because my pain is held inside, a shield against our closeness...and you, because suddenly we're distant. So please, take my handand see me through my tears... then we can be close again.
You asked, "How am I doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes... and you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given me drained away.
"How am I doing?"...
I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. This pain is indescribable. If you've never known it you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, When I'm ignored, I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They're nature's way of helping me to heal...They relieve some of the stress of sadness.
I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brings me sadness ...but you're wrong. The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me, Only a thought away. My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain...it was already there.
When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, And you don't need to do a thing but be there. When I feel your permissionto allow my tears to flow, you've helped me. You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient...do not fear.
Listening with your heart to"how I am doing" relieves the pain, for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases what I've been wanting to say aloud, clearing space for a touch of joy in my life. I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyes, and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.
When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots... because I'm trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt...me, because my pain is held inside, a shield against our closeness...and you, because suddenly we're distant. So please, take my handand see me through my tears... then we can be close again.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Cloud Bursts....
I was being driven home the other day so a friend could borrow my car and take it to the repair shop near his home for a little exhaust problem. In the passenger seat, I was able to observe the stretches of a promising beautiful blue sky and the fluffy clouds. I usually am looking at traffic lights and bumpers.
Little puffs of light fluffy clouds danced about here and there, forming those mystical shapes that make you think about laying back on a blanket and just cloud watching. They seem like happy things, those little clouds,slowly meandering across the sky, stretching, rearranging, bumping in to other little clouds.
And then we got closer to my town, and I noticed some bigger heavier clouds hanging lower in the sky. Not too many of them, but they were obviously thicker and darker and lower. Rimmed with whisps of white, their centers and bottoms became progressively grayer and had the appearance of boiling rolls- a churning look to them. Nothing happy about these clouds. They sure stood in contrast to their happier playmates in the sky.
That is me, I thought. I used to be a happy cloud, dancing about, married,children, a wonderful job that I looked forward to working every single day - we would play in the park, or take an impromptu camping trip, or hike around the block looking for leaves and blossoms to press, or search the beach for pretty agates and shells. I would decorate the house for the seasons and the holidays and celebrate all those silly days, too, likeMother Goose Day and National Chocolate Day and we loved April Fool's Day. Some things were planned, but most things were done on the whim.
Now I am a dark rain cloud, gathering tears inside me . progressively feeling heavier and thicker and darker - the tears gathering inside me while I continue to talk to clients, enter orders, check drawings, chat with installers, sit in meetings, drive home, shop, load the dishwasher, record some receipts, feed the animals and get ready for bed.
My chest feels like one of those rain clouds. My marriage has failed, my children have grown,and I've lost my first-born son. My grandchildren live far-away. Even my hopes of a happy future with a wonderful man were dashed to pieces when he unexpectedly died, too. I lost my preschool business and have had to return to the outside business world. My life is totally changed from what it was, what I wanted it to be, what I enjoyed, what I loved so much.
As the days go by, I tend to get more introverted and quiet. I am less tolerant with myself or others. My dismal state casts a shadow around me, blocking others from seeing and enjoying my once more sunny self. It tends to go in cycles now. It will quietly build up and then I will become so full of grief that I must find release. I need my time for allowing the rain to fall. I need a good cry. I will find myself "drizzling" if I don't provide the opportunity to let it all out. "My eyes are just leaking," I'll explain to co-workers and family when I seem to get teary-eyed without any particular prompting.
My friend observed my quieter-than-normal state and asked, "What's wrong,Sandi? Whatcha thinking? Share your thoughts."
I replied, "You know if clouds don't empty out when they get heavy and dark like that, they could end up being storm clouds, full of thunder and electricity and rage and unpredictability. Let's not stop at the store, just take me directly home and drop me off. I think it's time for another cloudburst."
With child-loss grief, sadness continues to accumulate inside us, even when we begin to resume our daily tasks and our interactions with others. Remember to allow yourselves time and find a place where you can release the tears and sadness as often as you feel the need.
Love and hugs,Sandi
Little puffs of light fluffy clouds danced about here and there, forming those mystical shapes that make you think about laying back on a blanket and just cloud watching. They seem like happy things, those little clouds,slowly meandering across the sky, stretching, rearranging, bumping in to other little clouds.
And then we got closer to my town, and I noticed some bigger heavier clouds hanging lower in the sky. Not too many of them, but they were obviously thicker and darker and lower. Rimmed with whisps of white, their centers and bottoms became progressively grayer and had the appearance of boiling rolls- a churning look to them. Nothing happy about these clouds. They sure stood in contrast to their happier playmates in the sky.
That is me, I thought. I used to be a happy cloud, dancing about, married,children, a wonderful job that I looked forward to working every single day - we would play in the park, or take an impromptu camping trip, or hike around the block looking for leaves and blossoms to press, or search the beach for pretty agates and shells. I would decorate the house for the seasons and the holidays and celebrate all those silly days, too, likeMother Goose Day and National Chocolate Day and we loved April Fool's Day. Some things were planned, but most things were done on the whim.
Now I am a dark rain cloud, gathering tears inside me . progressively feeling heavier and thicker and darker - the tears gathering inside me while I continue to talk to clients, enter orders, check drawings, chat with installers, sit in meetings, drive home, shop, load the dishwasher, record some receipts, feed the animals and get ready for bed.
My chest feels like one of those rain clouds. My marriage has failed, my children have grown,and I've lost my first-born son. My grandchildren live far-away. Even my hopes of a happy future with a wonderful man were dashed to pieces when he unexpectedly died, too. I lost my preschool business and have had to return to the outside business world. My life is totally changed from what it was, what I wanted it to be, what I enjoyed, what I loved so much.
As the days go by, I tend to get more introverted and quiet. I am less tolerant with myself or others. My dismal state casts a shadow around me, blocking others from seeing and enjoying my once more sunny self. It tends to go in cycles now. It will quietly build up and then I will become so full of grief that I must find release. I need my time for allowing the rain to fall. I need a good cry. I will find myself "drizzling" if I don't provide the opportunity to let it all out. "My eyes are just leaking," I'll explain to co-workers and family when I seem to get teary-eyed without any particular prompting.
My friend observed my quieter-than-normal state and asked, "What's wrong,Sandi? Whatcha thinking? Share your thoughts."
I replied, "You know if clouds don't empty out when they get heavy and dark like that, they could end up being storm clouds, full of thunder and electricity and rage and unpredictability. Let's not stop at the store, just take me directly home and drop me off. I think it's time for another cloudburst."
With child-loss grief, sadness continues to accumulate inside us, even when we begin to resume our daily tasks and our interactions with others. Remember to allow yourselves time and find a place where you can release the tears and sadness as often as you feel the need.
Love and hugs,Sandi
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Endless Highway
I'm not quite sure how I've made it this far
It seems like I've been in a fast moving car
It's a one-way crowded highway
and there's no turning around
Just pit stops on the shoulder for sorrows and grief,
for nourishment, fuel, and a few stops for relief
Then back into the car and back on the road
Bumper to bumper, driving on, forward, endlessly
I use to see people on the side of the road, standing there
The tears streaming, their heads bowed in prayer
I'd wondered what they were doing, why they'd stopped
But I didn't ask too many questions,
I'd just remember their faces and the feeling of fear
That they may have just lost something sacred and dear
Then I had to pull over a few times on my own
God, it's hard to pull over...
Sometimes you get to gage it a little and pull off carefully
Othertimes it's just like a front tire is blown
And you are just jerked off the road
But it's even harder to get back in the car and drive
And leave my loved ones behind
And the farther I keep driving, the more the space grows ...
between me and them ....
And there's no turning back
No turning around
No starting over
No U-turns
I can object to the rules of this road,
It often feels like nobody's listening or nobody cares
But I know really that it's just because
that's the way this road was laid out
And no one can change it...
It's difficult to see any landmarks of hope ahead
When your vision is blurred with tears...
And I keep denting fenders because
I'm not watching where I'm driving
I'm busy looking in my rearview mirror
It seems like I've been in a fast moving car
It's a one-way crowded highway
and there's no turning around
Just pit stops on the shoulder for sorrows and grief,
for nourishment, fuel, and a few stops for relief
Then back into the car and back on the road
Bumper to bumper, driving on, forward, endlessly
I use to see people on the side of the road, standing there
The tears streaming, their heads bowed in prayer
I'd wondered what they were doing, why they'd stopped
But I didn't ask too many questions,
I'd just remember their faces and the feeling of fear
That they may have just lost something sacred and dear
Then I had to pull over a few times on my own
God, it's hard to pull over...
Sometimes you get to gage it a little and pull off carefully
Othertimes it's just like a front tire is blown
And you are just jerked off the road
But it's even harder to get back in the car and drive
And leave my loved ones behind
And the farther I keep driving, the more the space grows ...
between me and them ....
And there's no turning back
No turning around
No starting over
No U-turns
I can object to the rules of this road,
It often feels like nobody's listening or nobody cares
But I know really that it's just because
that's the way this road was laid out
And no one can change it...
It's difficult to see any landmarks of hope ahead
When your vision is blurred with tears...
And I keep denting fenders because
I'm not watching where I'm driving
I'm busy looking in my rearview mirror
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I Feel That No One Cares
A list member writes:
I hope to share my story here. I see many others have shared their stories. I feel that many of my family and friends have deserted me. It's hard to believe there is anyone who cares.
Grief alone is so much for our hearts and mind and body to handle. Complicated grief, that is, when there is more than one loss to deal with or issues that must also be dealt with simultaneously (like anger, unresolved fights, anxiety, health or financial issues, depression, etc) can make the grief even that much harder to carry by ourselves.
It does help to tell your story over and over again. It helps with the processing of the grief. It helps us understand our grief. It also helps us know that we are not alone.
Grief and sorrow and depression are not a natural state for humans. They want to laugh and play and relax and enjoy. They want to smile and have hope and hear encouraging things. Most people would prefer color to a black and gray world. Most people would prefer some sunshine to endless cloudy rainy days.
The worst grief there is, is the grief that WE are experiencing. No one else will feel and experience OUR loss the same way we do. Our worlds become black and gray and cloudy and rainy. Our worlds become talk of the events of our loss, the days before, memories of our loved ones, the guilt we are experiencing, the things we are going to miss, the sadness in our hearts. Our stories are not something any human being, unless also experiencing loss and grief or being paid to counsel those in mourning, are going to naturally be attracted to. A few close friends and family members will do their best to listen and console us at first, but their tolerance level of the grief is limited to their involvement with the loss itself or their relationship with us. They will recover more quickly and return to the colorful, more joyful, sunny world of normal living.
Yes, it feels like we are deserted by many of our family and friends. In truth, we also desert many of them during this time by isolating ourselves and "bridging off" from them. We don't go places with them. We don't ask about their recent promotion or congratulate them on the discovery of their pregnancy. We don't really hear them pour out their feelings about their difficulties with their families, their marriages, or their jobs. We don't really hear them express their worries and concerns. Frequently as not, we don't make phone calls to them or answer their calls.
Also, grief changes our "being" - it changes our outlook on life (good or bad), our energy level, our interests (at least for a while). We may also find, as time goes by, that we may not have as much in common with old friends and family members as we did before.
When I was married, a large percent of the population of my "friends" were married couples with families. A great deal of the activities I was involved with and enjoyed were centered around things married people with families would do. Now it is really different to get together with married women friends and chat about planning anniversary surprises or second honeymoons.Even chit chat about family meal planning is rather irrelevant to me. I work very long hours so have little time for cooking right now and only cook for one - me. The activities we enjoyed together were often planned around twosomes (card games for instance). I've also feel that some couples felt extremely disloyal to either me or my ex-spouse by continuing on with either of us. And then there is the two other underlying problems with being suddenly single - I am a possible threat to the couple's stability (I am a single woman, lonely, and possibly "on the prowl") and also a general threat of divorce (if it can happen to their marriage, it could happen to ours .). I don't think they consciously think those things; I am aware those fears exist in people. If it's in their face, they see it and may have to realize it is a possibility. They are reminded that NO marriage is forever - it will END in divorce or death. No one likes to think of that.
Much the same, but even stronger, is the instinct to avoid thinking on possible losses. Before we lost someone, we might hear of a loss and grieve a bit for that person and/or feel sorry for the survivors. But we would immerse ourselves in our regular daily living; we would not dwell on it. We might read an article in the paper and think, what a tragedy, but we could put that paper down and get busy with something else.
Grief and sorrow are not natural choices of daily living.When people are confronted by those in grief, mortality issues are "put in their faces". IF it could happen to her or him, perhaps it could happen to me. When they hear someone has lost a parent, they realize the age of their own parents and are suddenly presented with thoughts about losing their own parents. People have to think about their own mortality and that is very traumatic for many people. If they hear about a child-loss, it is extremely frightening to them. I remember watching The Titanic when it came out and coming to the scene just after the ship had gone down and all of the bodies were floating about- old men, young men, old women, young women, children, and infants. The scene cast an extremely terrifying emotional response in me that lasted for days. We had even briefly "met" some of those characters in the movie and now they were gone. No one saved them. And the movie was based on a true story. I knew I would never watch The Titanic again. It was too much for me emotionally. (Of course, now, in my current state I certainly won't watch any movies of that emotional content!)
I think we are avoided, to some degree, because our emotional despair is not a state that people can naturally exist in. We avoid burns and car accidents and knife cuts and falls as best we can. We also avoid grief. We may find, as time goes by, because of our new insights and new interests, that we have the need to develop new friends who share some of those insights and interests.
When I was a stay-at-home mother with small children, I was attracted to and attractive to the friendships of other young stay-at-home moms with small children. That changed over the years. Of course, a few friendships have evolved with me and survived all the changes in me. This latest challenge, that of dealing with intense grief, has certainly challenged even those friendships - it's something they cannot understand because they haven't experienced it.
I am most sorry for your loss and pain.I hope you will find this a good place to tell your story, even over and over again from different angles, when you feel ready to share. Don't try telling the whole story all at once if that is too uncomfortable. We'll still be here when you are ready to share more. Don't ever feel you need to share things that you don't want to share! Please feel free to share anything YOU want to.
Offering you a new friendship on your journey,
With love and hugs and prayers,
Sandi
I hope to share my story here. I see many others have shared their stories. I feel that many of my family and friends have deserted me. It's hard to believe there is anyone who cares.
Grief alone is so much for our hearts and mind and body to handle. Complicated grief, that is, when there is more than one loss to deal with or issues that must also be dealt with simultaneously (like anger, unresolved fights, anxiety, health or financial issues, depression, etc) can make the grief even that much harder to carry by ourselves.
It does help to tell your story over and over again. It helps with the processing of the grief. It helps us understand our grief. It also helps us know that we are not alone.
Grief and sorrow and depression are not a natural state for humans. They want to laugh and play and relax and enjoy. They want to smile and have hope and hear encouraging things. Most people would prefer color to a black and gray world. Most people would prefer some sunshine to endless cloudy rainy days.
The worst grief there is, is the grief that WE are experiencing. No one else will feel and experience OUR loss the same way we do. Our worlds become black and gray and cloudy and rainy. Our worlds become talk of the events of our loss, the days before, memories of our loved ones, the guilt we are experiencing, the things we are going to miss, the sadness in our hearts. Our stories are not something any human being, unless also experiencing loss and grief or being paid to counsel those in mourning, are going to naturally be attracted to. A few close friends and family members will do their best to listen and console us at first, but their tolerance level of the grief is limited to their involvement with the loss itself or their relationship with us. They will recover more quickly and return to the colorful, more joyful, sunny world of normal living.
Yes, it feels like we are deserted by many of our family and friends. In truth, we also desert many of them during this time by isolating ourselves and "bridging off" from them. We don't go places with them. We don't ask about their recent promotion or congratulate them on the discovery of their pregnancy. We don't really hear them pour out their feelings about their difficulties with their families, their marriages, or their jobs. We don't really hear them express their worries and concerns. Frequently as not, we don't make phone calls to them or answer their calls.
Also, grief changes our "being" - it changes our outlook on life (good or bad), our energy level, our interests (at least for a while). We may also find, as time goes by, that we may not have as much in common with old friends and family members as we did before.
When I was married, a large percent of the population of my "friends" were married couples with families. A great deal of the activities I was involved with and enjoyed were centered around things married people with families would do. Now it is really different to get together with married women friends and chat about planning anniversary surprises or second honeymoons.Even chit chat about family meal planning is rather irrelevant to me. I work very long hours so have little time for cooking right now and only cook for one - me. The activities we enjoyed together were often planned around twosomes (card games for instance). I've also feel that some couples felt extremely disloyal to either me or my ex-spouse by continuing on with either of us. And then there is the two other underlying problems with being suddenly single - I am a possible threat to the couple's stability (I am a single woman, lonely, and possibly "on the prowl") and also a general threat of divorce (if it can happen to their marriage, it could happen to ours .). I don't think they consciously think those things; I am aware those fears exist in people. If it's in their face, they see it and may have to realize it is a possibility. They are reminded that NO marriage is forever - it will END in divorce or death. No one likes to think of that.
Much the same, but even stronger, is the instinct to avoid thinking on possible losses. Before we lost someone, we might hear of a loss and grieve a bit for that person and/or feel sorry for the survivors. But we would immerse ourselves in our regular daily living; we would not dwell on it. We might read an article in the paper and think, what a tragedy, but we could put that paper down and get busy with something else.
Grief and sorrow are not natural choices of daily living.When people are confronted by those in grief, mortality issues are "put in their faces". IF it could happen to her or him, perhaps it could happen to me. When they hear someone has lost a parent, they realize the age of their own parents and are suddenly presented with thoughts about losing their own parents. People have to think about their own mortality and that is very traumatic for many people. If they hear about a child-loss, it is extremely frightening to them. I remember watching The Titanic when it came out and coming to the scene just after the ship had gone down and all of the bodies were floating about- old men, young men, old women, young women, children, and infants. The scene cast an extremely terrifying emotional response in me that lasted for days. We had even briefly "met" some of those characters in the movie and now they were gone. No one saved them. And the movie was based on a true story. I knew I would never watch The Titanic again. It was too much for me emotionally. (Of course, now, in my current state I certainly won't watch any movies of that emotional content!)
I think we are avoided, to some degree, because our emotional despair is not a state that people can naturally exist in. We avoid burns and car accidents and knife cuts and falls as best we can. We also avoid grief. We may find, as time goes by, because of our new insights and new interests, that we have the need to develop new friends who share some of those insights and interests.
When I was a stay-at-home mother with small children, I was attracted to and attractive to the friendships of other young stay-at-home moms with small children. That changed over the years. Of course, a few friendships have evolved with me and survived all the changes in me. This latest challenge, that of dealing with intense grief, has certainly challenged even those friendships - it's something they cannot understand because they haven't experienced it.
I am most sorry for your loss and pain.I hope you will find this a good place to tell your story, even over and over again from different angles, when you feel ready to share. Don't try telling the whole story all at once if that is too uncomfortable. We'll still be here when you are ready to share more. Don't ever feel you need to share things that you don't want to share! Please feel free to share anything YOU want to.
Offering you a new friendship on your journey,
With love and hugs and prayers,
Sandi
Searching for Comfort and Cures ...
A list member writes:
I rarely post but do read. I am trying to find something - maybe comfort in someone else's messages. But I do not find it. Instead I find many others just like me. I do not understand how time keeps passing. I am afraid I might forget my loved one's face or other details. I sleep too much - it is my only escape, but then I have awful dreams.
Your post came in on my birthday so I did not have the chance to read it – I was avoiding the computer and family and friends by working extremely long hours at work that day (14 hours), then coming home and doing some chores,until I fell, exhausted in to bed. I can sleep for 5-6 hours at the best,any other time I spend in bed would be just laying there with my eyes open or closed … and that’s something I can’t handle. Too much time to dwell on things and become too grief-stricken. Even with medication for my depression, it is a difficult fight. I’ve found that spending too much time in bed makes me more vulnerable.
I remember when my father died and I signed up for a grief group at ahospital. Certainly with as many people who die and all of the loved ones who are left to survive in this world with hearts so shattered, and all the medical knowledge that has developed over the years…certainly, I felt, there would be some answers or direction at such a group. Someone must be able to help me “fix” the situation – bring my father back, turn back time and find a cure, or help me stop hurting so badly. It was a journey, this death and grief and loss stuff, that I did not choose to take and did not want to take. Certainly someone must have developed an alternative for people like me!
I don’t think I consciously thought all of this at the time, but as I signed up for the class, I think I truly was hoping for a lot more than I got. What I found was six other people in the midst of their grief, too, all NOT wanting to be there, but desperately needing to be there, just like me. And two counselors, minus any magic wands for curing anyone, who kindly were available to listen and to explain some of the generalities of the grief cycle and some of the more common affects of grief. It was held in a room decorated simply and beautifully for people in grief – there were no optional doors to go into rooms for those of us who didn’t WANT to be in grief.
I did find comfort in knowing I was not alone and not going crazy. I did find some understanding of the grief cycle which helped me understand a little more about what I was feeling when my feelings were rocking back and forth and indescribable. And I made a couple of new, temporary friends with whom I could relate.
My father was still dead. And I still missed him.
I also found myself joining some divorce support groups when shortly thereafter my 20 year marriage went belly up and my husband left with another woman to start a new life without me. I think I was still hoping for someone to take over the steering wheel of my life and help me do the right things, say the right things, to bring my husband back, put our family back together, and take away the loss, the anger, the worry and anxiety, the huge sadness that had clouded over and enveloped my life so suddenly.
Instead, again, I found many, many others like myself, trying to make sense of something that wasn’t really sensible; trying to find a cure for a pain for which their wasn’t any medication or magic words to heal. But I did find people with whom I could relate. And again, I found friends who understood me and whom I could understand.
Again, when I lost my beloved son last January and my boyfriend eight months later, I sought a magic cure. Perhaps with all the people going through this grief thing, someone knows something – maybe some secret path you can travel or religion you should practice or book you can read or something you can order where things will be better again – where I can have my loved ones back or find some special relief from all this pain.
There are no magic words or special remedies.
We are dropped, often without warning into a deep, dark pit called Grief. It is confusing and dark and cold and scary. The only way out of the pit is to travel a journey. First we have to find the door in the dark. We find there are others in the pit, as scared and confused as we are. But we also hear whispers of the door that leads out and onto the path. As one person finds the door, he or she whispers back and says, This way. One by one, we all stumble around, following the whispers to the door, remembering to whisper to those behind us, too, so they can find their way.
Outside the door, we discover there are many paths actually for us to chose from. None lead backward to the life we have known. All lead forward into the unknown. Each path has its own branches, detours, hills and valleys to navigate. We hear the whispers of others ahead. Some have chosen a quieter,slow path. Some have chosen a winding path. Some a path that requires climbing hills right from the start and others chose a path that begins with a downwards slope. We have to chose our own, but we do find some comfort, as human beings, knowing that there are others on the same journey as us, and someeeven following the same paths as us, if even for a while.
We reach out and accept the hands of strangers who are ahead of us and let them help us up a rocky incline. We reach back and offer our hand to those behind us.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved. I just want you to know I am on this journey with you and it appears we both started about the same timein our lives.
Here is my hand.
Love and hugs,
Sandi
I rarely post but do read. I am trying to find something - maybe comfort in someone else's messages. But I do not find it. Instead I find many others just like me. I do not understand how time keeps passing. I am afraid I might forget my loved one's face or other details. I sleep too much - it is my only escape, but then I have awful dreams.
Your post came in on my birthday so I did not have the chance to read it – I was avoiding the computer and family and friends by working extremely long hours at work that day (14 hours), then coming home and doing some chores,until I fell, exhausted in to bed. I can sleep for 5-6 hours at the best,any other time I spend in bed would be just laying there with my eyes open or closed … and that’s something I can’t handle. Too much time to dwell on things and become too grief-stricken. Even with medication for my depression, it is a difficult fight. I’ve found that spending too much time in bed makes me more vulnerable.
I remember when my father died and I signed up for a grief group at ahospital. Certainly with as many people who die and all of the loved ones who are left to survive in this world with hearts so shattered, and all the medical knowledge that has developed over the years…certainly, I felt, there would be some answers or direction at such a group. Someone must be able to help me “fix” the situation – bring my father back, turn back time and find a cure, or help me stop hurting so badly. It was a journey, this death and grief and loss stuff, that I did not choose to take and did not want to take. Certainly someone must have developed an alternative for people like me!
I don’t think I consciously thought all of this at the time, but as I signed up for the class, I think I truly was hoping for a lot more than I got. What I found was six other people in the midst of their grief, too, all NOT wanting to be there, but desperately needing to be there, just like me. And two counselors, minus any magic wands for curing anyone, who kindly were available to listen and to explain some of the generalities of the grief cycle and some of the more common affects of grief. It was held in a room decorated simply and beautifully for people in grief – there were no optional doors to go into rooms for those of us who didn’t WANT to be in grief.
I did find comfort in knowing I was not alone and not going crazy. I did find some understanding of the grief cycle which helped me understand a little more about what I was feeling when my feelings were rocking back and forth and indescribable. And I made a couple of new, temporary friends with whom I could relate.
My father was still dead. And I still missed him.
I also found myself joining some divorce support groups when shortly thereafter my 20 year marriage went belly up and my husband left with another woman to start a new life without me. I think I was still hoping for someone to take over the steering wheel of my life and help me do the right things, say the right things, to bring my husband back, put our family back together, and take away the loss, the anger, the worry and anxiety, the huge sadness that had clouded over and enveloped my life so suddenly.
Instead, again, I found many, many others like myself, trying to make sense of something that wasn’t really sensible; trying to find a cure for a pain for which their wasn’t any medication or magic words to heal. But I did find people with whom I could relate. And again, I found friends who understood me and whom I could understand.
Again, when I lost my beloved son last January and my boyfriend eight months later, I sought a magic cure. Perhaps with all the people going through this grief thing, someone knows something – maybe some secret path you can travel or religion you should practice or book you can read or something you can order where things will be better again – where I can have my loved ones back or find some special relief from all this pain.
There are no magic words or special remedies.
We are dropped, often without warning into a deep, dark pit called Grief. It is confusing and dark and cold and scary. The only way out of the pit is to travel a journey. First we have to find the door in the dark. We find there are others in the pit, as scared and confused as we are. But we also hear whispers of the door that leads out and onto the path. As one person finds the door, he or she whispers back and says, This way. One by one, we all stumble around, following the whispers to the door, remembering to whisper to those behind us, too, so they can find their way.
Outside the door, we discover there are many paths actually for us to chose from. None lead backward to the life we have known. All lead forward into the unknown. Each path has its own branches, detours, hills and valleys to navigate. We hear the whispers of others ahead. Some have chosen a quieter,slow path. Some have chosen a winding path. Some a path that requires climbing hills right from the start and others chose a path that begins with a downwards slope. We have to chose our own, but we do find some comfort, as human beings, knowing that there are others on the same journey as us, and someeeven following the same paths as us, if even for a while.
We reach out and accept the hands of strangers who are ahead of us and let them help us up a rocky incline. We reach back and offer our hand to those behind us.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved. I just want you to know I am on this journey with you and it appears we both started about the same timein our lives.
Here is my hand.
Love and hugs,
Sandi
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Child Loss - A Different Dimension of Grief
“I’m trying to deal with multiple losses. Actually my child died many years ago, but every time I lose someone else, it seems like I’ve lost her all over again. I have many good days now, but have never gotten over her death. I am not the same person I used to be – maybe people think I am, but I’m not inside. Sometimes my heart will start aching for her and I can’t even figure out what triggered it. The grief still comes and goes. Not to discredit the grief I’ve experienced with other people I’ve loved and lost, but I haven’t recovered the same way from losing my daughter. It seems it is always with me.”
CHILD LOSS BRINGS A GRIEF OF A DIFFERENT DIMENSION
My sympathy is with you for your losses. I’ve also lost many relatives and friends since 1999, as well as had a streak of rather bad luck or whatever you want to call it (car accident, motorcycle accident, divorce, shingles, fall down two flights of stairs & dislocated shoulder, surgeries, loss of my business….).
Multiple losses, changes in our lives, our previous life experiences, the type of support we have available, and our level of determination to fight to get back “into the stream” of life all have an affect on our grief and our ability to cope with it. It can be complicated by our health, anxiety and depression, finances, guilt, fear, and unresolved relationships. I had never experienced child loss before, so I am only learning as I go, but I agree pretty much with every mother and father who has lost a child, it is a grief of a different dimension than other griefs.
EVERY LOSS, OR CHANGE, BRINGS GRIEF THAT TUGS ON PREVIOUS WOUNDS
Every time we lose something or something changes, there is a loss. I think of little losses as pin prinks to our hearts – sometimes they are so quick, we hardly notice them and we recover from them with little or no scarring at all. Sometimes larger or more meaningful losses occur and bigger holes are made – sometimes they take a little longer to heal and there may be some scarring, but generally the scarring will fade away.When it comes to people and pets, the gashes in our hearts are much bigger and more ragged edged. The closer the person was to us, the more meaningful the pet was to us, the deeper the gash. Because it’s not a quick prick or a clean cut, damage is done to the area around it as well. It is much more painful and the pain is much stronger and longer lasting. The more complicated the grief (multiple griefs, anger, unresolved problems, guilt, etc), the harder it is for the area to scab over and the scar tissue to begin growing.
Because there are so many “touchpoints” (reminders in our daily lives and thoughts) about our loved ones, we often break open the scabs repetitively. Thicker, less flexible, scar tissue begins to formeventually – but the area is always tender. Each time we get another wound, it pulls and tugs on the previous scar tissue, causing it to become inflamed and painful again.
THE WOUND FROM CHILD LOSS IS PERMANENTLY SENSITIVE
With a child loss, I envision the grief as a huge gaping hole right through the heart – because it is so huge and so much tissue is lost, the scabs must cover so much area inside the tunnel as well as the outside – there is so much more area that is susceptible to breaking open again. It takes much, much longer for the scar tissue to form. The damage around the hole is moresignificant and wide spread. It pulls and tugs on every single big or little scar we’ve already incurred in life. The gape never completely fills in. The nerves around the wound are permanently disturbed and reactive. Memories, stress, tiredness, changes in our lives, and future wounds, big or small losses, will undoubtedly trigger a child-loss wound to painfully ache and throb again as they either pull on the unmovable, unflexible scars of the wound itself, redamage the affected area, or stimulate the pain nerves surrounding the wound. In other words, as I see it, a child-loss wound never completely heals.
WE MAY FIND WE ARE PERMANENTLY CHANGED
We learn to live with the wound. We learn to take hikes again in our lives, but we stop and rest more frequently. We don’t run quite as fast. Perhaps we might still climb some steep hills, maybe even some mountains, but we are most observant about our footholds and we tend to try to find secure things to hold on to. We are a little more quiet. We are much more observant. Other people seem to zoom on past up, and we feel we are in slow motion most of the time. Like arthritis can bother some people daily and others seasonally, sometimes after a strenuous or stressful day, other times when the weather is cold or they are feeling ill or fatigued, our wounds tend to ache and throb without rhythm or schedule or reason sometimes.
CARE OF SELF IS MANDATORY – MENTAL AND PHYSICAL GRIEF THERAPY
Basics like eating healthily, trying to get into a good routine of sleeping/waking hours, and getting daily fresh air and exercise are vital for managing our pain. Sometimes medication might be needed (antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, sleeping aids – see a doctor for assistance in determining what might help you).
Mental therapy (counseling, support groups, journaling our thoughts, expressing our grief, etc) is usually needed.
Physical therapy is also a good idea – doing something about your depression and grief. For me, physical therapy for grief includes listing the things I need to get done as far as errands, chores, employment responsibilities, family interaction and working on them each day, a little more each day. It also involves listing the things I want to do (getting active again socially, entertaining, going out, crafting, improving my home and atmosphere, getting back into better physical condition) and working on those things a little every day or every other day, a little more each day.
GRIEF WORK HELPS BRING SOME FOCUS AND PURPOSE TO OUR LIVES
It also means, for me, finding my grief work or different types of grief work that I can do (one time projects or ongoing ones). For me, grief work is working on scrapbooks for my son’s two daughters, working on his memorial site and that of my boyfriend’s, writing stories of my son’s life as they come to mind to share with his children, donating to the diabetesassociation and, eventually, helping to fund raise to find new treatments or cures. It has also now grown to include to trying to be a support to others who are grieving. For others it might be pledging to do a good dead in the name of their loved one every day or once a week, or helping to raise funds and/or build a new playground for children. Perhaps doing a walkathon or race for pledges to a specific cause in memory of their loved one. It could be planting wild flower seeds wherever you go or planting a little garden in an area of your yard in tribute. Maybe putting a bench someplace in your yard for reflective moments. It could be building ramps for the handicapped or helping to build homes for the homeless. It could be knitting prayer shawls for others in grief or baby blankets for preemies or to give to unwed mothers. It could be helping with a food drive for the hungry.
I seriously think that finding one’s “grief work”, whether it is a one-time effort or a short term project , an annual event, or an ongoing work, or a variety of tasks and projects, is very important to our souls. It helps me to keep focused and it is helping me, slowly but surely, helping me rejoin the human race as a participant rather than someone just watching from the sidelines. I have not plunged back in … I am taking small, considered steps forward. There are days that I relapse and feel physically and mentally tired (and this is something that happens more frequently now since loss than before even when I overworked myself) that I just can’t get anything done.
YOU GOTTA KEEP TRYING, EVERY DAY, ONE STEP AT A TIME
I definitely have to fight depression. It definitely does nothing to bring my son or other loved ones back. But it isn’t something I can just dismiss –it seems to be entwined in me and hampers my efforts to move forward. But I keep on trying. A little more each day. One step at a time.
CHILD LOSS BRINGS A GRIEF OF A DIFFERENT DIMENSION
My sympathy is with you for your losses. I’ve also lost many relatives and friends since 1999, as well as had a streak of rather bad luck or whatever you want to call it (car accident, motorcycle accident, divorce, shingles, fall down two flights of stairs & dislocated shoulder, surgeries, loss of my business….).
Multiple losses, changes in our lives, our previous life experiences, the type of support we have available, and our level of determination to fight to get back “into the stream” of life all have an affect on our grief and our ability to cope with it. It can be complicated by our health, anxiety and depression, finances, guilt, fear, and unresolved relationships. I had never experienced child loss before, so I am only learning as I go, but I agree pretty much with every mother and father who has lost a child, it is a grief of a different dimension than other griefs.
EVERY LOSS, OR CHANGE, BRINGS GRIEF THAT TUGS ON PREVIOUS WOUNDS
Every time we lose something or something changes, there is a loss. I think of little losses as pin prinks to our hearts – sometimes they are so quick, we hardly notice them and we recover from them with little or no scarring at all. Sometimes larger or more meaningful losses occur and bigger holes are made – sometimes they take a little longer to heal and there may be some scarring, but generally the scarring will fade away.When it comes to people and pets, the gashes in our hearts are much bigger and more ragged edged. The closer the person was to us, the more meaningful the pet was to us, the deeper the gash. Because it’s not a quick prick or a clean cut, damage is done to the area around it as well. It is much more painful and the pain is much stronger and longer lasting. The more complicated the grief (multiple griefs, anger, unresolved problems, guilt, etc), the harder it is for the area to scab over and the scar tissue to begin growing.
Because there are so many “touchpoints” (reminders in our daily lives and thoughts) about our loved ones, we often break open the scabs repetitively. Thicker, less flexible, scar tissue begins to formeventually – but the area is always tender. Each time we get another wound, it pulls and tugs on the previous scar tissue, causing it to become inflamed and painful again.
THE WOUND FROM CHILD LOSS IS PERMANENTLY SENSITIVE
With a child loss, I envision the grief as a huge gaping hole right through the heart – because it is so huge and so much tissue is lost, the scabs must cover so much area inside the tunnel as well as the outside – there is so much more area that is susceptible to breaking open again. It takes much, much longer for the scar tissue to form. The damage around the hole is moresignificant and wide spread. It pulls and tugs on every single big or little scar we’ve already incurred in life. The gape never completely fills in. The nerves around the wound are permanently disturbed and reactive. Memories, stress, tiredness, changes in our lives, and future wounds, big or small losses, will undoubtedly trigger a child-loss wound to painfully ache and throb again as they either pull on the unmovable, unflexible scars of the wound itself, redamage the affected area, or stimulate the pain nerves surrounding the wound. In other words, as I see it, a child-loss wound never completely heals.
WE MAY FIND WE ARE PERMANENTLY CHANGED
We learn to live with the wound. We learn to take hikes again in our lives, but we stop and rest more frequently. We don’t run quite as fast. Perhaps we might still climb some steep hills, maybe even some mountains, but we are most observant about our footholds and we tend to try to find secure things to hold on to. We are a little more quiet. We are much more observant. Other people seem to zoom on past up, and we feel we are in slow motion most of the time. Like arthritis can bother some people daily and others seasonally, sometimes after a strenuous or stressful day, other times when the weather is cold or they are feeling ill or fatigued, our wounds tend to ache and throb without rhythm or schedule or reason sometimes.
CARE OF SELF IS MANDATORY – MENTAL AND PHYSICAL GRIEF THERAPY
Basics like eating healthily, trying to get into a good routine of sleeping/waking hours, and getting daily fresh air and exercise are vital for managing our pain. Sometimes medication might be needed (antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, sleeping aids – see a doctor for assistance in determining what might help you).
Mental therapy (counseling, support groups, journaling our thoughts, expressing our grief, etc) is usually needed.
Physical therapy is also a good idea – doing something about your depression and grief. For me, physical therapy for grief includes listing the things I need to get done as far as errands, chores, employment responsibilities, family interaction and working on them each day, a little more each day. It also involves listing the things I want to do (getting active again socially, entertaining, going out, crafting, improving my home and atmosphere, getting back into better physical condition) and working on those things a little every day or every other day, a little more each day.
GRIEF WORK HELPS BRING SOME FOCUS AND PURPOSE TO OUR LIVES
It also means, for me, finding my grief work or different types of grief work that I can do (one time projects or ongoing ones). For me, grief work is working on scrapbooks for my son’s two daughters, working on his memorial site and that of my boyfriend’s, writing stories of my son’s life as they come to mind to share with his children, donating to the diabetesassociation and, eventually, helping to fund raise to find new treatments or cures. It has also now grown to include to trying to be a support to others who are grieving. For others it might be pledging to do a good dead in the name of their loved one every day or once a week, or helping to raise funds and/or build a new playground for children. Perhaps doing a walkathon or race for pledges to a specific cause in memory of their loved one. It could be planting wild flower seeds wherever you go or planting a little garden in an area of your yard in tribute. Maybe putting a bench someplace in your yard for reflective moments. It could be building ramps for the handicapped or helping to build homes for the homeless. It could be knitting prayer shawls for others in grief or baby blankets for preemies or to give to unwed mothers. It could be helping with a food drive for the hungry.
I seriously think that finding one’s “grief work”, whether it is a one-time effort or a short term project , an annual event, or an ongoing work, or a variety of tasks and projects, is very important to our souls. It helps me to keep focused and it is helping me, slowly but surely, helping me rejoin the human race as a participant rather than someone just watching from the sidelines. I have not plunged back in … I am taking small, considered steps forward. There are days that I relapse and feel physically and mentally tired (and this is something that happens more frequently now since loss than before even when I overworked myself) that I just can’t get anything done.
YOU GOTTA KEEP TRYING, EVERY DAY, ONE STEP AT A TIME
I definitely have to fight depression. It definitely does nothing to bring my son or other loved ones back. But it isn’t something I can just dismiss –it seems to be entwined in me and hampers my efforts to move forward. But I keep on trying. A little more each day. One step at a time.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The Elusive Good Night's Sleep ...
We need a basic amount of sleep each night to function at our best physically and emotionally during the day. Grief robs us of emotional and physical energy and disrupts our sleep. Lack of sleep compounds grief and sabotages our abilities to function at all. It can become a vicious cycle.
If sleep is evasive, however, we have four choices: 1. natural sleep remedies, 2) changes to your diet, environment and habits, 3) prescription sleeping medications, or 4) combinations of the other three choices.
Some people worry prescription sleeping medications can be addictive and that they will be just trading one situation (little or no sleep) for another (addiction). There are sleeping medications which can be addictive and others that are not. Even the ones with potential to become addictive (that is, you would have trouble sleeping without taking them after a prolonged period of use), can be used under a doctor’s supervision to break a cycle of disrupted sleep and get you back on track. Talk to your medical doctor about what might be best for your situation.
In my case, I had a painful shoulder injury that was already causing sleep difficulties for me. When I was plunged into grief, I could not sleep at all. I became extremely anxious over the sleep issue. The anxiety caused even further sleep complications, as did becoming too tired to get a restorative night’s rest. The answer for me was a short-term prescription medication (less than a week) to break the cycle, allowing me to get several nights of good sleep. After that, I was able to implement some natural sleep remedies and changes to my environment, diet and habits.
The main problem with prescription medications, I think, is that they don’t “cure” the sleep problem. They just treat the symptoms. They can be extremely helpful, or at least they were for me and others I’ve known, in disrupting the cycle I was in, that of little or no sleep, allowing me to get some much needed rest, and allowing me some time to implement some other remedies and changes.
Here are some things you can try. Hopefully, you’ll find something that will help you get your needed rest.
NATURAL REMEDIES
Check with your doctor or nutritionist to find out what amounts you should take. Be sure to mention any natural remedies and supplements to your doctor, especially if you are already being treated for another condition or taking other medications.
1. Valerian - An old herbal sleep remedy, actually subjected to trials that have shown it does help people get a better night’s sleep. Pills, liquid, tea form.
2. Chamomile - A good standby tea for calming down when stressed or over-fatigued.
3. Melatonin
4. Catnip - Contains chemicals similar to those in valerian root and can be brewed as a tea or is available as a liquid extract. Calms you down, but this herb causes cats to become very active. Seems strange to me, but they say it works.
5. Lavender - Lavender can help reduce and even reverse the effects of caffeine in some people. It comes in tea form. It also comes as an essential oil that you can use in your bath, in potpourri or as a massage oil. Some people put drops of it on their pillows.
6. Lemon balm - A wonderful lemon scent and is effective at calming the nerves. Tea, capsules, or liquid extract.
7. Ignatia - For insomnia caused by emotional upset
CHANGES IN YOUR DIET, ENVIRONMENT AND HABITS
Physical Activity
a. Be sure to get exercise even during your grief – especially during your grief! As little as a 15-20 minute brisk walk outdoors can help counteract stress and anxiety levels, your energy levels and help promote a better night’s sleep. Some sources suggest that your vigorous exercise be completed at least three hours prior to your bedtime – exercise can get your blood flowing and your brain operating during the day, promoting deeper, more beneficial sleep at night. If you don’t get enough physical activity during the day, your body will respond with a lower sleep requirement. You will have trouble falling and staying asleep.
b. Get outside in natural light. Melatonin is the main hormone that controls our sleep/awake cycle. When the body produces melatonin (more when there is no light entering the eye), it results in feelings of sleepiness. The control system works on the different amounts of melatonin the body is receiving during the awake state and the sleeping state. It’s production is reduced when sunlight enters the eyes (blue light). If you are not getting enough exposure to sunlight or wearing blue light blocking sunglasses, the body will continue to produce higher levels of melatonin during the day. This will reduce the difference in the day and night levels and will make it harder to fall asleep.
Diet
a. Limit food and drinks that contain alcohol or caffeine and stop consuming them well before bedtime. Caffeine and alcohol will disturb sleep. Most people will find they need to stop caffeine consumption by around noon or 1pm.
b. Do not consume large, heavy meals before bedtime. Although after eating we often feel drowsy, our digestive systems have to work harder at night and can sabotage a good night’s sleep. Consider eating your last meal at least three hours before bedtime and making it a lighter meal.
c. Have a small healthy, high-carbohyrate snack before bedtime so you are not too full or too hungry.
d. Sip a mug of hot steamed or a milk or glass of cold milk before bed. The amino acid L-tryptophan found in milk can help you sleep without side effects.
e. Avoid food and drinks high in sugar before bedtime. Sugar can give you a boost in physical and mental alertness that you just don’t need in the middle of the night.
f. Nicotine may make it difficult to fall asleep and lead to fragmented sleep. If you smoke, consider eliminating those cigarettes during the last part of the evening.
g. Be sure to drink PLENTY of water during the day but stop drinking…
h. Drink some hot, soothing tea (non-caffeine) before bed.
Environment
a. Try playing some soothing background music. I have three “bedtime” CD’s that I use for this, rotating them every now and then. I put them on as I am making final preparations for getting into bed. There are also some “white noise” and “natural sounds” (ocean waves, trickling creeks, rain) to cover up other noises in your house or neighborhood and to help your brain wave patterns slow down.
b. Keep your room dark.
c. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, be sure to keep lights dim. Bright lights can send a signal to the eye that instructs the rest of the body that day has begun and it is time to start waking.
d. Make sure your bed clothes, bed coverings, sheets, and pillows are all comfortable.
e. Make sure the temperature in your bedroom is comfortable – not too hot, not too cold.
f. Make your room a sleeping sanctuary, not a work or entertainment center. Remove televisions, upbeat music, bright lights, computers and laptops.
g. Consider using relaxing scents or aromatherapy oils in the bedroom.
Bedtime Routines
a. Establish a regular retiring and rising time. Go to bed and get up at the same time every night and every day throughout the week, not just week days. Staying up late on the weekends and sleeping in just resets your internal clock making it more difficult to fall asleep and sleep soundly.
b. Don’t nap during the day. This also resets your internal sleep clock.
c. Before getting into bed, empty your head. Get the items you need to do and things you want to remember out of your brain and onto paper. Put a notepad and pen beside your bed. Just before turning out the light, write down everything you’re worried about, and those things we want to remember that seem to pop into our heads just as we are retiring for the day.
d. Take a warm, relaxing shower or bath before bed. Our bodies tend to also regulate by temperature. At the end of a warm day, the temperature around us and in our bodies drops, causing the body to slow down and get sleepy. Taking a warm bath heightens the temperature temporarily but tends to cause a quicker drop once we are out of the tub/shower bringing on quicker sleepy feelings.
e. Run your bath, turn out the lights, and light a candle or two – maybe add some relaxing background music while you enjoy your relaxing bath.
f. After you’ve run your bath, consider adding 4 to 5 drops of one of the following essential oils to the water: chamomile, hops, lavender, neroli, rose, vetiver, and ylang-ylang.
g. Use a handful of one or two of the following herbs, wrapped in netting, in your bathtub (while running your hot water into the tub): chamomile, lavender, lime flower, mint, or passion flower.
h. Read in bed for 15-20 minutes – something meditative (religious readings, poetry). Reading can be distracting. Religious readings can be comforting, especially if familiar. Poetry can help relax us with its gentle rhythm.
i. Snuggle up with a comfort object (i.e., a shirt or teddy bear that belonged to your loved one). Hug it and let the tears flow if you feel like crying. Letting out some of our grief with tears helps lessen the physical tightness of holding so much of it inside all day long.
j. A breathing meditation that calms and works, shared by a wonderful online support facilitator: Close one nostril with two fingers while exhaling deeply through the open nostril. Now use two fingers to cover the opposite nostril and inhale deeply. One nostril is always closed and the other is open. Do not breath through your mouth. Keep repeating saying to yourself exhale, inhale, while you are doing the exhaling and inhaling. Saying the words to yourself does not allow you to think about anything else. Try to do this for at least 20 minutes beforebedtime. And do it as often as possible during the day.Practice other relaxation exercises, meditation, deep breathing and/or gentle stretching (not vigorous exercise) before bed.
Ideas submitted by others:
1. Tylenol PM
2. Xanax
3. Simply Sleep, also by Tylenol
4. Repetitive hair brushing (even more affective, I think, when someone else is doing the brushing)
5. Rocking in a rocking chair
6. What sometimes works for me is to lay on my back, close my eyes, and (wow this sounds weird) picture my toes. Then I picture them melting into the bed (see, half the reason I can't sleep is my imagination runs wild all night long, so this is easy for me), then move on up my body, one by one picturing parts of me melting into my bed (sometimes I imagine them turning to sand) usually by the time I hit my torso I'm out..... It's kind of a relaxation technique, and since I have to use my mind, It kind of helps shut my brain off regarding everything else.
7. lay with your eyes closed on your back. starting at your toes, tell yourself to relax them. when they are completely relaxed move on to your calf muscles. keep moving on until every muscle in your body is completely relaxed.
8. Epson salts with lavender or chamomile
9. When I can't sleep I pray and recite scriptures that I have memorized it works everytime!!
10. sleep i do not recommend this for everyone but benadryl will help 25mg will usually do it used to be used for a sleep aid but again i do not recommend for everyone depending on medical history ect. but most people that have taken cold meds have taken a antihistamine
Things that can sabotage your sleep:
1. Alertness medications
2. Pain relievers
3. Antidepressants
4. Arthritis medications
5. Asthma medications
6. Blood pressure medications
7. Cold and allergy medications
8. Diet pills
Check with your doctor and/or pharmacist to see if any of the medications you are taking could be causing or accenting problems with your sleep. Ask if taking these medications at a different time of the day or night would help, if the prescriptive dosage might need to be changed, or if there are possible alternatives that might work for you and not affect your sleep.
Thanks to the members of the following for submitting their suggestions: TheBereavementJourney.com; CafeMom Newcomers Club; CafeMom Grief & Loss Group; CafeMom Grieving: Surviving The Loss of A Child Group; co-workers, friends, and family.
If sleep is evasive, however, we have four choices: 1. natural sleep remedies, 2) changes to your diet, environment and habits, 3) prescription sleeping medications, or 4) combinations of the other three choices.
Some people worry prescription sleeping medications can be addictive and that they will be just trading one situation (little or no sleep) for another (addiction). There are sleeping medications which can be addictive and others that are not. Even the ones with potential to become addictive (that is, you would have trouble sleeping without taking them after a prolonged period of use), can be used under a doctor’s supervision to break a cycle of disrupted sleep and get you back on track. Talk to your medical doctor about what might be best for your situation.
In my case, I had a painful shoulder injury that was already causing sleep difficulties for me. When I was plunged into grief, I could not sleep at all. I became extremely anxious over the sleep issue. The anxiety caused even further sleep complications, as did becoming too tired to get a restorative night’s rest. The answer for me was a short-term prescription medication (less than a week) to break the cycle, allowing me to get several nights of good sleep. After that, I was able to implement some natural sleep remedies and changes to my environment, diet and habits.
The main problem with prescription medications, I think, is that they don’t “cure” the sleep problem. They just treat the symptoms. They can be extremely helpful, or at least they were for me and others I’ve known, in disrupting the cycle I was in, that of little or no sleep, allowing me to get some much needed rest, and allowing me some time to implement some other remedies and changes.
Here are some things you can try. Hopefully, you’ll find something that will help you get your needed rest.
NATURAL REMEDIES
Check with your doctor or nutritionist to find out what amounts you should take. Be sure to mention any natural remedies and supplements to your doctor, especially if you are already being treated for another condition or taking other medications.
1. Valerian - An old herbal sleep remedy, actually subjected to trials that have shown it does help people get a better night’s sleep. Pills, liquid, tea form.
2. Chamomile - A good standby tea for calming down when stressed or over-fatigued.
3. Melatonin
4. Catnip - Contains chemicals similar to those in valerian root and can be brewed as a tea or is available as a liquid extract. Calms you down, but this herb causes cats to become very active. Seems strange to me, but they say it works.
5. Lavender - Lavender can help reduce and even reverse the effects of caffeine in some people. It comes in tea form. It also comes as an essential oil that you can use in your bath, in potpourri or as a massage oil. Some people put drops of it on their pillows.
6. Lemon balm - A wonderful lemon scent and is effective at calming the nerves. Tea, capsules, or liquid extract.
7. Ignatia - For insomnia caused by emotional upset
CHANGES IN YOUR DIET, ENVIRONMENT AND HABITS
Physical Activity
a. Be sure to get exercise even during your grief – especially during your grief! As little as a 15-20 minute brisk walk outdoors can help counteract stress and anxiety levels, your energy levels and help promote a better night’s sleep. Some sources suggest that your vigorous exercise be completed at least three hours prior to your bedtime – exercise can get your blood flowing and your brain operating during the day, promoting deeper, more beneficial sleep at night. If you don’t get enough physical activity during the day, your body will respond with a lower sleep requirement. You will have trouble falling and staying asleep.
b. Get outside in natural light. Melatonin is the main hormone that controls our sleep/awake cycle. When the body produces melatonin (more when there is no light entering the eye), it results in feelings of sleepiness. The control system works on the different amounts of melatonin the body is receiving during the awake state and the sleeping state. It’s production is reduced when sunlight enters the eyes (blue light). If you are not getting enough exposure to sunlight or wearing blue light blocking sunglasses, the body will continue to produce higher levels of melatonin during the day. This will reduce the difference in the day and night levels and will make it harder to fall asleep.
Diet
a. Limit food and drinks that contain alcohol or caffeine and stop consuming them well before bedtime. Caffeine and alcohol will disturb sleep. Most people will find they need to stop caffeine consumption by around noon or 1pm.
b. Do not consume large, heavy meals before bedtime. Although after eating we often feel drowsy, our digestive systems have to work harder at night and can sabotage a good night’s sleep. Consider eating your last meal at least three hours before bedtime and making it a lighter meal.
c. Have a small healthy, high-carbohyrate snack before bedtime so you are not too full or too hungry.
d. Sip a mug of hot steamed or a milk or glass of cold milk before bed. The amino acid L-tryptophan found in milk can help you sleep without side effects.
e. Avoid food and drinks high in sugar before bedtime. Sugar can give you a boost in physical and mental alertness that you just don’t need in the middle of the night.
f. Nicotine may make it difficult to fall asleep and lead to fragmented sleep. If you smoke, consider eliminating those cigarettes during the last part of the evening.
g. Be sure to drink PLENTY of water during the day but stop drinking…
h. Drink some hot, soothing tea (non-caffeine) before bed.
Environment
a. Try playing some soothing background music. I have three “bedtime” CD’s that I use for this, rotating them every now and then. I put them on as I am making final preparations for getting into bed. There are also some “white noise” and “natural sounds” (ocean waves, trickling creeks, rain) to cover up other noises in your house or neighborhood and to help your brain wave patterns slow down.
b. Keep your room dark.
c. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, be sure to keep lights dim. Bright lights can send a signal to the eye that instructs the rest of the body that day has begun and it is time to start waking.
d. Make sure your bed clothes, bed coverings, sheets, and pillows are all comfortable.
e. Make sure the temperature in your bedroom is comfortable – not too hot, not too cold.
f. Make your room a sleeping sanctuary, not a work or entertainment center. Remove televisions, upbeat music, bright lights, computers and laptops.
g. Consider using relaxing scents or aromatherapy oils in the bedroom.
Bedtime Routines
a. Establish a regular retiring and rising time. Go to bed and get up at the same time every night and every day throughout the week, not just week days. Staying up late on the weekends and sleeping in just resets your internal clock making it more difficult to fall asleep and sleep soundly.
b. Don’t nap during the day. This also resets your internal sleep clock.
c. Before getting into bed, empty your head. Get the items you need to do and things you want to remember out of your brain and onto paper. Put a notepad and pen beside your bed. Just before turning out the light, write down everything you’re worried about, and those things we want to remember that seem to pop into our heads just as we are retiring for the day.
d. Take a warm, relaxing shower or bath before bed. Our bodies tend to also regulate by temperature. At the end of a warm day, the temperature around us and in our bodies drops, causing the body to slow down and get sleepy. Taking a warm bath heightens the temperature temporarily but tends to cause a quicker drop once we are out of the tub/shower bringing on quicker sleepy feelings.
e. Run your bath, turn out the lights, and light a candle or two – maybe add some relaxing background music while you enjoy your relaxing bath.
f. After you’ve run your bath, consider adding 4 to 5 drops of one of the following essential oils to the water: chamomile, hops, lavender, neroli, rose, vetiver, and ylang-ylang.
g. Use a handful of one or two of the following herbs, wrapped in netting, in your bathtub (while running your hot water into the tub): chamomile, lavender, lime flower, mint, or passion flower.
h. Read in bed for 15-20 minutes – something meditative (religious readings, poetry). Reading can be distracting. Religious readings can be comforting, especially if familiar. Poetry can help relax us with its gentle rhythm.
i. Snuggle up with a comfort object (i.e., a shirt or teddy bear that belonged to your loved one). Hug it and let the tears flow if you feel like crying. Letting out some of our grief with tears helps lessen the physical tightness of holding so much of it inside all day long.
j. A breathing meditation that calms and works, shared by a wonderful online support facilitator: Close one nostril with two fingers while exhaling deeply through the open nostril. Now use two fingers to cover the opposite nostril and inhale deeply. One nostril is always closed and the other is open. Do not breath through your mouth. Keep repeating saying to yourself exhale, inhale, while you are doing the exhaling and inhaling. Saying the words to yourself does not allow you to think about anything else. Try to do this for at least 20 minutes beforebedtime. And do it as often as possible during the day.Practice other relaxation exercises, meditation, deep breathing and/or gentle stretching (not vigorous exercise) before bed.
Ideas submitted by others:
1. Tylenol PM
2. Xanax
3. Simply Sleep, also by Tylenol
4. Repetitive hair brushing (even more affective, I think, when someone else is doing the brushing)
5. Rocking in a rocking chair
6. What sometimes works for me is to lay on my back, close my eyes, and (wow this sounds weird) picture my toes. Then I picture them melting into the bed (see, half the reason I can't sleep is my imagination runs wild all night long, so this is easy for me), then move on up my body, one by one picturing parts of me melting into my bed (sometimes I imagine them turning to sand) usually by the time I hit my torso I'm out..... It's kind of a relaxation technique, and since I have to use my mind, It kind of helps shut my brain off regarding everything else.
7. lay with your eyes closed on your back. starting at your toes, tell yourself to relax them. when they are completely relaxed move on to your calf muscles. keep moving on until every muscle in your body is completely relaxed.
8. Epson salts with lavender or chamomile
9. When I can't sleep I pray and recite scriptures that I have memorized it works everytime!!
10. sleep i do not recommend this for everyone but benadryl will help 25mg will usually do it used to be used for a sleep aid but again i do not recommend for everyone depending on medical history ect. but most people that have taken cold meds have taken a antihistamine
Things that can sabotage your sleep:
1. Alertness medications
2. Pain relievers
3. Antidepressants
4. Arthritis medications
5. Asthma medications
6. Blood pressure medications
7. Cold and allergy medications
8. Diet pills
Check with your doctor and/or pharmacist to see if any of the medications you are taking could be causing or accenting problems with your sleep. Ask if taking these medications at a different time of the day or night would help, if the prescriptive dosage might need to be changed, or if there are possible alternatives that might work for you and not affect your sleep.
Thanks to the members of the following for submitting their suggestions: TheBereavementJourney.com; CafeMom Newcomers Club; CafeMom Grief & Loss Group; CafeMom Grieving: Surviving The Loss of A Child Group; co-workers, friends, and family.
Our grief becomes part of who we are ...
In response to a fellow grief traveler who is worried that she is becoming a mean and angry person:
We don't return to the past, to our old selves, after we pass through the acute stages of grief.
Every day, with or without grief, we are evolving, learning, changing ... usually in ways so slight we don't notice their assimulation.
You are not the same person you were when you were five, or six, or fifteen or twenty. To those who are parents now, you know you are not the same as before you were parents. And to all of us who have lost someone, we will not be quite the same even after the grief passes.
We have new knowledge and new experience ... and it is becoming part of who we are. We are full of a whole realm of emotions that are part of the grief process, but they are our feelings, not WHO we are.
It will be up to us to shape and mold it a bit here and there, trim off the anger by letting it out in some way, walk off the depression, fill in those moments of sadness with good memories and positive actions of remembrance, and to move forward. Anger is part of grief, just as is the sadness. We often don't want to be angry at the person who left us (but deep inside we sometimes are, just at the fact they left us), and there are plenty of people who could have done things differently, responded differently, done more, or who just didn't do it OUR way that we often turn our anger towards. Very frequently we turn our anger inwards at ourselves (depression is usually anger turned inwards).
But there will be anger. And if you work through it - talk to people about it, write it out in a journal, take a fast paced walk and stomp it out - then eventually you'll find yourselves feeling less angry, or not angry every day, and you'll find there are more days in between the days you are feeling angry and spiteful ... just like the days of shock ... and the ones of sadness ... You'll also find something in the future that will bring on angry feelings, seemingly out of no where, just like the sadness part of grief. You might see someone acting like someone who made you made in the past, or you'll hear words that stir up the anger. Or you'll even just see a color or smell something, and you might not even notice that you have, and all of a sudden you'll have a day of rage.
Please know you are not turning into a "forever angry, mean, spiteful" person ... this, too, will pass ... of course, it takes time and work. Be patient with yourself.
We don't return to the past, to our old selves, after we pass through the acute stages of grief.
Every day, with or without grief, we are evolving, learning, changing ... usually in ways so slight we don't notice their assimulation.
You are not the same person you were when you were five, or six, or fifteen or twenty. To those who are parents now, you know you are not the same as before you were parents. And to all of us who have lost someone, we will not be quite the same even after the grief passes.
We have new knowledge and new experience ... and it is becoming part of who we are. We are full of a whole realm of emotions that are part of the grief process, but they are our feelings, not WHO we are.
It will be up to us to shape and mold it a bit here and there, trim off the anger by letting it out in some way, walk off the depression, fill in those moments of sadness with good memories and positive actions of remembrance, and to move forward. Anger is part of grief, just as is the sadness. We often don't want to be angry at the person who left us (but deep inside we sometimes are, just at the fact they left us), and there are plenty of people who could have done things differently, responded differently, done more, or who just didn't do it OUR way that we often turn our anger towards. Very frequently we turn our anger inwards at ourselves (depression is usually anger turned inwards).
But there will be anger. And if you work through it - talk to people about it, write it out in a journal, take a fast paced walk and stomp it out - then eventually you'll find yourselves feeling less angry, or not angry every day, and you'll find there are more days in between the days you are feeling angry and spiteful ... just like the days of shock ... and the ones of sadness ... You'll also find something in the future that will bring on angry feelings, seemingly out of no where, just like the sadness part of grief. You might see someone acting like someone who made you made in the past, or you'll hear words that stir up the anger. Or you'll even just see a color or smell something, and you might not even notice that you have, and all of a sudden you'll have a day of rage.
Please know you are not turning into a "forever angry, mean, spiteful" person ... this, too, will pass ... of course, it takes time and work. Be patient with yourself.
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