The Elusive Good Night's Sleep ...

We need a basic amount of sleep each night to function at our best physically and emotionally during the day. Grief robs us of emotional and physical energy and disrupts our sleep. Lack of sleep compounds grief and sabotages our abilities to function at all. It can become a vicious cycle.

If sleep is evasive, however, we have four choices: 1. natural sleep remedies, 2) changes to your diet, environment and habits, 3) prescription sleeping medications, or 4) combinations of the other three choices.

Some people worry prescription sleeping medications can be addictive and that they will be just trading one situation (little or no sleep) for another (addiction). There are sleeping medications which can be addictive and others that are not. Even the ones with potential to become addictive (that is, you would have trouble sleeping without taking them after a prolonged period of use), can be used under a doctor’s supervision to break a cycle of disrupted sleep and get you back on track. Talk to your medical doctor about what might be best for your situation.

In my case, I had a painful shoulder injury that was already causing sleep difficulties for me. When I was plunged into grief, I could not sleep at all. I became extremely anxious over the sleep issue. The anxiety caused even further sleep complications, as did becoming too tired to get a restorative night’s rest. The answer for me was a short-term prescription medication (less than a week) to break the cycle, allowing me to get several nights of good sleep. After that, I was able to implement some natural sleep remedies and changes to my environment, diet and habits.

The main problem with prescription medications, I think, is that they don’t “cure” the sleep problem. They just treat the symptoms. They can be extremely helpful, or at least they were for me and others I’ve known, in disrupting the cycle I was in, that of little or no sleep, allowing me to get some much needed rest, and allowing me some time to implement some other remedies and changes.

Here are some things you can try. Hopefully, you’ll find something that will help you get your needed rest.

NATURAL REMEDIES

Check with your doctor or nutritionist to find out what amounts you should take. Be sure to mention any natural remedies and supplements to your doctor, especially if you are already being treated for another condition or taking other medications.

1. Valerian - An old herbal sleep remedy, actually subjected to trials that have shown it does help people get a better night’s sleep. Pills, liquid, tea form.
2. Chamomile - A good standby tea for calming down when stressed or over-fatigued.
3. Melatonin
4. Catnip - Contains chemicals similar to those in valerian root and can be brewed as a tea or is available as a liquid extract. Calms you down, but this herb causes cats to become very active. Seems strange to me, but they say it works.
5. Lavender - Lavender can help reduce and even reverse the effects of caffeine in some people. It comes in tea form. It also comes as an essential oil that you can use in your bath, in potpourri or as a massage oil. Some people put drops of it on their pillows.
6. Lemon balm - A wonderful lemon scent and is effective at calming the nerves. Tea, capsules, or liquid extract.
7. Ignatia - For insomnia caused by emotional upset

CHANGES IN YOUR DIET, ENVIRONMENT AND HABITS

Physical Activity
a. Be sure to get exercise even during your grief – especially during your grief! As little as a 15-20 minute brisk walk outdoors can help counteract stress and anxiety levels, your energy levels and help promote a better night’s sleep. Some sources suggest that your vigorous exercise be completed at least three hours prior to your bedtime – exercise can get your blood flowing and your brain operating during the day, promoting deeper, more beneficial sleep at night. If you don’t get enough physical activity during the day, your body will respond with a lower sleep requirement. You will have trouble falling and staying asleep.
b. Get outside in natural light. Melatonin is the main hormone that controls our sleep/awake cycle. When the body produces melatonin (more when there is no light entering the eye), it results in feelings of sleepiness. The control system works on the different amounts of melatonin the body is receiving during the awake state and the sleeping state. It’s production is reduced when sunlight enters the eyes (blue light). If you are not getting enough exposure to sunlight or wearing blue light blocking sunglasses, the body will continue to produce higher levels of melatonin during the day. This will reduce the difference in the day and night levels and will make it harder to fall asleep.

Diet
a. Limit food and drinks that contain alcohol or caffeine and stop consuming them well before bedtime. Caffeine and alcohol will disturb sleep. Most people will find they need to stop caffeine consumption by around noon or 1pm.
b. Do not consume large, heavy meals before bedtime. Although after eating we often feel drowsy, our digestive systems have to work harder at night and can sabotage a good night’s sleep. Consider eating your last meal at least three hours before bedtime and making it a lighter meal.
c. Have a small healthy, high-carbohyrate snack before bedtime so you are not too full or too hungry.
d. Sip a mug of hot steamed or a milk or glass of cold milk before bed. The amino acid L-tryptophan found in milk can help you sleep without side effects.
e. Avoid food and drinks high in sugar before bedtime. Sugar can give you a boost in physical and mental alertness that you just don’t need in the middle of the night.
f. Nicotine may make it difficult to fall asleep and lead to fragmented sleep. If you smoke, consider eliminating those cigarettes during the last part of the evening.
g. Be sure to drink PLENTY of water during the day but stop drinking…
h. Drink some hot, soothing tea (non-caffeine) before bed.

Environment
a. Try playing some soothing background music. I have three “bedtime” CD’s that I use for this, rotating them every now and then. I put them on as I am making final preparations for getting into bed. There are also some “white noise” and “natural sounds” (ocean waves, trickling creeks, rain) to cover up other noises in your house or neighborhood and to help your brain wave patterns slow down.
b. Keep your room dark.
c. If you have to get up in the middle of the night, be sure to keep lights dim. Bright lights can send a signal to the eye that instructs the rest of the body that day has begun and it is time to start waking.
d. Make sure your bed clothes, bed coverings, sheets, and pillows are all comfortable.
e. Make sure the temperature in your bedroom is comfortable – not too hot, not too cold.
f. Make your room a sleeping sanctuary, not a work or entertainment center. Remove televisions, upbeat music, bright lights, computers and laptops.
g. Consider using relaxing scents or aromatherapy oils in the bedroom.

Bedtime Routines
a. Establish a regular retiring and rising time. Go to bed and get up at the same time every night and every day throughout the week, not just week days. Staying up late on the weekends and sleeping in just resets your internal clock making it more difficult to fall asleep and sleep soundly.
b. Don’t nap during the day. This also resets your internal sleep clock.
c. Before getting into bed, empty your head. Get the items you need to do and things you want to remember out of your brain and onto paper. Put a notepad and pen beside your bed. Just before turning out the light, write down everything you’re worried about, and those things we want to remember that seem to pop into our heads just as we are retiring for the day.
d. Take a warm, relaxing shower or bath before bed. Our bodies tend to also regulate by temperature. At the end of a warm day, the temperature around us and in our bodies drops, causing the body to slow down and get sleepy. Taking a warm bath heightens the temperature temporarily but tends to cause a quicker drop once we are out of the tub/shower bringing on quicker sleepy feelings.
e. Run your bath, turn out the lights, and light a candle or two – maybe add some relaxing background music while you enjoy your relaxing bath.
f. After you’ve run your bath, consider adding 4 to 5 drops of one of the following essential oils to the water: chamomile, hops, lavender, neroli, rose, vetiver, and ylang-ylang.
g. Use a handful of one or two of the following herbs, wrapped in netting, in your bathtub (while running your hot water into the tub): chamomile, lavender, lime flower, mint, or passion flower.
h. Read in bed for 15-20 minutes – something meditative (religious readings, poetry). Reading can be distracting. Religious readings can be comforting, especially if familiar. Poetry can help relax us with its gentle rhythm.
i. Snuggle up with a comfort object (i.e., a shirt or teddy bear that belonged to your loved one). Hug it and let the tears flow if you feel like crying. Letting out some of our grief with tears helps lessen the physical tightness of holding so much of it inside all day long.
j. A breathing meditation that calms and works, shared by a wonderful online support facilitator: Close one nostril with two fingers while exhaling deeply through the open nostril. Now use two fingers to cover the opposite nostril and inhale deeply. One nostril is always closed and the other is open. Do not breath through your mouth. Keep repeating saying to yourself exhale, inhale, while you are doing the exhaling and inhaling. Saying the words to yourself does not allow you to think about anything else. Try to do this for at least 20 minutes beforebedtime. And do it as often as possible during the day.Practice other relaxation exercises, meditation, deep breathing and/or gentle stretching (not vigorous exercise) before bed.

Ideas submitted by others:
1. Tylenol PM
2. Xanax
3. Simply Sleep, also by Tylenol
4. Repetitive hair brushing (even more affective, I think, when someone else is doing the brushing)
5. Rocking in a rocking chair
6. What sometimes works for me is to lay on my back, close my eyes, and (wow this sounds weird) picture my toes. Then I picture them melting into the bed (see, half the reason I can't sleep is my imagination runs wild all night long, so this is easy for me), then move on up my body, one by one picturing parts of me melting into my bed (sometimes I imagine them turning to sand) usually by the time I hit my torso I'm out..... It's kind of a relaxation technique, and since I have to use my mind, It kind of helps shut my brain off regarding everything else.
7. lay with your eyes closed on your back. starting at your toes, tell yourself to relax them. when they are completely relaxed move on to your calf muscles. keep moving on until every muscle in your body is completely relaxed.
8. Epson salts with lavender or chamomile
9. When I can't sleep I pray and recite scriptures that I have memorized it works everytime!!
10. sleep i do not recommend this for everyone but benadryl will help 25mg will usually do it used to be used for a sleep aid but again i do not recommend for everyone depending on medical history ect. but most people that have taken cold meds have taken a antihistamine

Things that can sabotage your sleep:
1. Alertness medications
2. Pain relievers
3. Antidepressants
4. Arthritis medications
5. Asthma medications
6. Blood pressure medications
7. Cold and allergy medications
8. Diet pills

Check with your doctor and/or pharmacist to see if any of the medications you are taking could be causing or accenting problems with your sleep. Ask if taking these medications at a different time of the day or night would help, if the prescriptive dosage might need to be changed, or if there are possible alternatives that might work for you and not affect your sleep.

Thanks to the members of the following for submitting their suggestions: TheBereavementJourney.com; CafeMom Newcomers Club; CafeMom Grief & Loss Group; CafeMom Grieving: Surviving The Loss of A Child Group; co-workers, friends, and family.