They Are Worthy Of Our Grief ...

How people cope with grief, that is how they process through the initialacute grief stages and how they continue on the rest of their lives with thegrief that always remains, is so varied.

It depends so much on our past histories and previous griefs we may havealready endured, what our relationship was with the person we lost, if there were any complications in that relationship that we are left to deal with(for instance, an unresolved fight), what unfinished business we had withthem that we must take care of ourselves now, what kind of support system we have around us, what our religious or spiritual beliefs are and how strongthey are, and the state of our own mental and physical health.

The first thing is to be able to find time and space to actually grieve.This may mean yell, cry, scream, sit and ponder, question. Sometimes it'shard to find this time and space because we have to go back to work so quickly, we have others to care for, and we have people who want us to"hurry up and getting over this."

Then, I think, and I think a lot of people here will agree, that the telling of our story, of our relationship with our lost one, of their life and theirpassing, and of our feelings about this person and this loss, is almostmandatory. It can be told to family, friends, and co-workers, but eventuallya majority of them will become tired of hearing the same story told, even ifit is told in a variety of ways. You can tell it to strangers (I think most of us have done this). You can write about it in a private journal. You can talk to your doctor, your dentist, your barber. You can talk to a counselor about it. You can usually find some sort of grief support group in or nearyour community. You can put together a scrapbook of photos and memories. You can make an online memorial or a little memorial in your own home or garden.You can join support groups like this (where, because we understand the need, we won't get tired of hearing your story over and over again). These are all ways to tell your story. You may want to try all of them. You may want to try some of them now and some of them later.

If there were complications or too much unfinished business in your relationship with your loved one, then those feelings need to be discoveredand dealt with. Sometimes just in telling our stories and gettingconfirmation from others that we are not guilty, or that we did the best we could under the conditions we had to deal with, will help with this. Othertimes, it might be wise to consult with a professional.

The next thing on the list is taking care of yourself. Grief attacks all our nerves and feelings, our energy, our appetites, our sleeping habits. We needto drink extra water and less caffeine during this time. We need to get at least 15 minutes of exercise (it can be simple walking outside in the fresh air). We need to go to bed and rise at regular times, even when we cannot sleep. We need a check up at our doctor and we need to ask for help in anyof the areas of physical or mental problems we may be experiencing.Sometimes an anti-depressant might be prescribed; sometimes a sleeping aid for a short time to help you get back on track or get some much needed sleep. We need to stay away from junk foods and eat healthier foods right now - even if they are in smaller portions.

Then we need to find our own "grief work". Again, this is very personal,very individual. It can be a short term, one time thing or an ongoing thing.We need to find something in our life to DO in tribute to our loved ones.Maybe it's becoming a better, kinder, more patient person. Maybe doing anonymous good deeds. Perhaps it's helping to build a new community park or raising funds for a resting bench in a preserve. Maybe it's going to the beach every year and picking up litter. Or raising funds for more research in the disease or condition that took our loved one away. Perhaps it's joining a group that fights drinking and driving. Or perhaps its resolving to be on the lookout for someone in grief and being as supportive as possible. You might find your grief work resolved in creating the online memorial or a scrapbook of tribute or in planting a new little memorialgarden or in digging up earth and planting a new flower or bush in tribute.Again, you might want to do one thing now and something later, too. Or you may want to do many things.

Sometimes we need to initially restrict our extra activities to help reserve our energy for grieving (it takes a lot of energy). Some people find a comfort in returning to as much of a regular routine as possible as quicklyas possible, just so that so much more of their life isn't disrupted anymore than it already has been.

I have lost my father, aunt, grandparents, and just last year lost my beloved first born son and my boyfriend. It was, perhaps, time for mygrandparents to pass on but it doesn't make the space they left in my lifeany less empty, but my father and aunt both died of quick and unexplainedhealth issues. My son was stricken with sudden and uncontrollable diabetes Iin his late 20s and it attacked his body with a vengeance. He died last January. My boyfriend died, very unexpectedly, also from complications ofdiabetes I, this past September.

Grief is hard and painful work. The more valuable and loved our departed was to us, the harder and more painful our grief will be. They are worthy of this grief we endure. We do get through the initial acute stages, and we learn how to carry on with our lives, incorporating our loss into who we are.