A list member writes:
I hope to share my story here. I see many others have shared their stories. I feel that many of my family and friends have deserted me. It's hard to believe there is anyone who cares.
Grief alone is so much for our hearts and mind and body to handle. Complicated grief, that is, when there is more than one loss to deal with or issues that must also be dealt with simultaneously (like anger, unresolved fights, anxiety, health or financial issues, depression, etc) can make the grief even that much harder to carry by ourselves.
It does help to tell your story over and over again. It helps with the processing of the grief. It helps us understand our grief. It also helps us know that we are not alone.
Grief and sorrow and depression are not a natural state for humans. They want to laugh and play and relax and enjoy. They want to smile and have hope and hear encouraging things. Most people would prefer color to a black and gray world. Most people would prefer some sunshine to endless cloudy rainy days.
The worst grief there is, is the grief that WE are experiencing. No one else will feel and experience OUR loss the same way we do. Our worlds become black and gray and cloudy and rainy. Our worlds become talk of the events of our loss, the days before, memories of our loved ones, the guilt we are experiencing, the things we are going to miss, the sadness in our hearts. Our stories are not something any human being, unless also experiencing loss and grief or being paid to counsel those in mourning, are going to naturally be attracted to. A few close friends and family members will do their best to listen and console us at first, but their tolerance level of the grief is limited to their involvement with the loss itself or their relationship with us. They will recover more quickly and return to the colorful, more joyful, sunny world of normal living.
Yes, it feels like we are deserted by many of our family and friends. In truth, we also desert many of them during this time by isolating ourselves and "bridging off" from them. We don't go places with them. We don't ask about their recent promotion or congratulate them on the discovery of their pregnancy. We don't really hear them pour out their feelings about their difficulties with their families, their marriages, or their jobs. We don't really hear them express their worries and concerns. Frequently as not, we don't make phone calls to them or answer their calls.
Also, grief changes our "being" - it changes our outlook on life (good or bad), our energy level, our interests (at least for a while). We may also find, as time goes by, that we may not have as much in common with old friends and family members as we did before.
When I was married, a large percent of the population of my "friends" were married couples with families. A great deal of the activities I was involved with and enjoyed were centered around things married people with families would do. Now it is really different to get together with married women friends and chat about planning anniversary surprises or second honeymoons.Even chit chat about family meal planning is rather irrelevant to me. I work very long hours so have little time for cooking right now and only cook for one - me. The activities we enjoyed together were often planned around twosomes (card games for instance). I've also feel that some couples felt extremely disloyal to either me or my ex-spouse by continuing on with either of us. And then there is the two other underlying problems with being suddenly single - I am a possible threat to the couple's stability (I am a single woman, lonely, and possibly "on the prowl") and also a general threat of divorce (if it can happen to their marriage, it could happen to ours .). I don't think they consciously think those things; I am aware those fears exist in people. If it's in their face, they see it and may have to realize it is a possibility. They are reminded that NO marriage is forever - it will END in divorce or death. No one likes to think of that.
Much the same, but even stronger, is the instinct to avoid thinking on possible losses. Before we lost someone, we might hear of a loss and grieve a bit for that person and/or feel sorry for the survivors. But we would immerse ourselves in our regular daily living; we would not dwell on it. We might read an article in the paper and think, what a tragedy, but we could put that paper down and get busy with something else.
Grief and sorrow are not natural choices of daily living.When people are confronted by those in grief, mortality issues are "put in their faces". IF it could happen to her or him, perhaps it could happen to me. When they hear someone has lost a parent, they realize the age of their own parents and are suddenly presented with thoughts about losing their own parents. People have to think about their own mortality and that is very traumatic for many people. If they hear about a child-loss, it is extremely frightening to them. I remember watching The Titanic when it came out and coming to the scene just after the ship had gone down and all of the bodies were floating about- old men, young men, old women, young women, children, and infants. The scene cast an extremely terrifying emotional response in me that lasted for days. We had even briefly "met" some of those characters in the movie and now they were gone. No one saved them. And the movie was based on a true story. I knew I would never watch The Titanic again. It was too much for me emotionally. (Of course, now, in my current state I certainly won't watch any movies of that emotional content!)
I think we are avoided, to some degree, because our emotional despair is not a state that people can naturally exist in. We avoid burns and car accidents and knife cuts and falls as best we can. We also avoid grief. We may find, as time goes by, because of our new insights and new interests, that we have the need to develop new friends who share some of those insights and interests.
When I was a stay-at-home mother with small children, I was attracted to and attractive to the friendships of other young stay-at-home moms with small children. That changed over the years. Of course, a few friendships have evolved with me and survived all the changes in me. This latest challenge, that of dealing with intense grief, has certainly challenged even those friendships - it's something they cannot understand because they haven't experienced it.
I am most sorry for your loss and pain.I hope you will find this a good place to tell your story, even over and over again from different angles, when you feel ready to share. Don't try telling the whole story all at once if that is too uncomfortable. We'll still be here when you are ready to share more. Don't ever feel you need to share things that you don't want to share! Please feel free to share anything YOU want to.
Offering you a new friendship on your journey,
With love and hugs and prayers,
Sandi
The Loss Of A Child
The moment that I knew you had died,
My heart split in two,
The one side filled with memories,
The other died with you.
I often lay awake at night,
When the world is fast asleep,
And take a walk down memory lane,
With tears upon my cheek.
Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
But missing you is a heartache,
That never goes away.
I hold you tightly within my heart,
And there you will remain,
Life has gone on without you,
But it never will be the same.
For those who still have their children,
Treat them with tender care,
You will never know the emptiness,
As when you turn and they are not there.
Don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment
the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve,
Don't tell me when to cry.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, "My friend, I care
Author unknown
My heart split in two,
The one side filled with memories,
The other died with you.
I often lay awake at night,
When the world is fast asleep,
And take a walk down memory lane,
With tears upon my cheek.
Remembering you is easy,
I do it every day,
But missing you is a heartache,
That never goes away.
I hold you tightly within my heart,
And there you will remain,
Life has gone on without you,
But it never will be the same.
For those who still have their children,
Treat them with tender care,
You will never know the emptiness,
As when you turn and they are not there.
Don't tell me that you understand,
don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment
the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve,
Don't tell me when to cry.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, "My friend, I care
Author unknown
in my car
in my car the tears flow free
away from everyone else but me
alone in my car with only my sorrow
i keep hoping it won't be the same tomorrow
but it is and as i drive home from work each day
it is strength that i beg for each time that i pray
god, let me make it just one more mile
on this road of life without my child
by renee williams
Member of lossofachild2 grief support group
away from everyone else but me
alone in my car with only my sorrow
i keep hoping it won't be the same tomorrow
but it is and as i drive home from work each day
it is strength that i beg for each time that i pray
god, let me make it just one more mile
on this road of life without my child
by renee williams
Member of lossofachild2 grief support group
Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for stopping by my Grief Support Blog! This blog will be added to as new resources are discovered and examined, as I find new poetry, or write new articles. Please stop back by again!
A blog seems to scroll on forever as you add to it, and older articles are "archived". Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on a link to see older articles. You'll then be taken to the top of the blog again and will have to scroll down the page to see the older articles now placed on the page.
CONTENTS
Poems and Submissions by Others...
~One More Mile, Renee Williams
~A Pair of Shoes, Anonymous
~God Saw You, Anonymous
~How Am I?, by Jennifer Bonner
~How We Survive, by Mark Rickerby
~Please See Me Through My Tears, Kelly Osmont
~To One In Sorrow, Grace Noll Crowell
Memorials...
~Michael Aaron Botten
~Matthew Robert Slasor
Resources
~Two More Resources
~Support Groups Online
~Books and Articles
~List of Grief and Comfort Songs
~Tributes to Lost Loved Ones
Articles
~Cloud Bursts
~Endless Highway
~I Feel That No One Cares
~Seaching for Comfort and Cures
~Child Loss - A Different Dimension of Grief
~The Elusive Good Night's Sleep
~Our Grief Becomes a Part of Who We Are
~Healing Times - Taking Care of You
~Some Ways to Help a Grieving Person
~They Are Worthy of Our Grief
~Coming Back to Life Again
~Another Calendar Page Falls to the Floor
~Holiday Memorial Wreath
~The Grief Pack
~No More Compensation
~Grief Journeys - Heading for Dry Land
~The Red Light Won't Go Off (Child Loss)
~Go At Your Own Pace...But Keep on Trying
Michael Aaron Botten 02/18/74-01/09/07
Michael Aaron Botten
February 18, 1974 - January 09, 2007
Beloved first-born son of Sandra Burgess-Dean and William Botten; brother to Tracie Dean and Matthew Botten; father to two beautiful daughters, Krista and Kelsey.
He loved old cars, motorcycles, pickup trucks, fixing things, remote control vehicles, model cars, bicycles, creating with clay, drawing, reading his Bible, his family, friends, and co-workers. He was a volunteer fireman and a maintenance technician.
Michael suffered from sudden, acute, and uncontrollable diabetes in his late 20's. Gastroparesis and osteoporosis, along with severe and painful neuropathy, soon followed. Although he endured a broken heart, broken dreams, and a very painful, broken body, he continued smiling and praying for everyone he knew. He expected nothing. He appreciated everything. He gave all he could give.
Beloved first-born son of Sandra Burgess-Dean and William Botten; brother to Tracie Dean and Matthew Botten; father to two beautiful daughters, Krista and Kelsey.
He loved old cars, motorcycles, pickup trucks, fixing things, remote control vehicles, model cars, bicycles, creating with clay, drawing, reading his Bible, his family, friends, and co-workers. He was a volunteer fireman and a maintenance technician.
Michael suffered from sudden, acute, and uncontrollable diabetes in his late 20's. Gastroparesis and osteoporosis, along with severe and painful neuropathy, soon followed. Although he endured a broken heart, broken dreams, and a very painful, broken body, he continued smiling and praying for everyone he knew. He expected nothing. He appreciated everything. He gave all he could give.
God Saw You
God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around you,
and whispered, "Come to me".
You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best
And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.
Anonymous
God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around you,
and whispered, "Come to me".
You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best
And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.
Anonymous
Michael's Music
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