GRIEF: The Red Light That Won't Go Off...

Losing a child ... no parent should ever have to bury their child. Only parents who have experienced this loss can truly understand how deep and different it is from other types of losses.

Somehow, when we become parents, a type of warning lights are installed inside us, the parents. We sleep lighter and wake more easily when our baby stirs in the middle of the night. Breastfeeding mothers can have milk let-downs while shopping and hearing another hungry baby. We worry about hunger, comfort, sickness, or pain in our child.

This light goes on RED when our child, for instance, gets an ear infection and is complaining of intense discomfort. We triage the child and we go on high alert. Something is wrong. Something is causing them pain. We aren't sure what it is for sure, but we are worried that our child is in pain and some infection or condition may be developing. We have troubles sleeping soundly because we are listening more intensely. We may feel an anxiousness or aggitation.

Once we've made the doctor appointment and are on our way to the appointment, we find the light getting a little more orange. We are almost to a source of help for our child. As we sit in the waiting room and then get escorted to our examination room, it even gets a little lighter. By the time the doctor has seen our child, nodded confirmation to a diagnosis of ear infection, and put the prescription in our hand, we are on YELLOW light. We are still a little anxious; still a little nervous; still on alert. But we are on the way to remedy.

We get the prescription and start administering it to our child. The relief isn't immediate, so we still check on them more frequently. We still sleep with one ear to their direction at night, just in case. The antibiotic starts to work and the symtoms begin to subside. The yellow light is beginning to get a greenish tint.

Finally, our child is back to normal. The infection is gone - the pain is gone. All is well. We hardly notice that our internal light has become completely GREEN. All systems are go - we return to our normal routines. We start sleeping more soundly.

This kind of alert system seems to continue on throughout our children's lives, regardless of their age. The intensity of the lights is synchronized with the seriousness of the situation. If our young adult child is sick, even though they no longer live at home, we go on a light red alert until we hear they are better. If they lose their job, if their spouse leaves them, or they are experiencing serious financial stresses, our signal lights go on - returning to green things return to normal.

When a child develops a life-threatening condition, the parent may bounce back and forth between red and yellow lights as new treatments and medications are sought out.. But life doesn't return to normal.

When a child dies, with or without any warning, the parents alarm system goes off: SERIOUS FLASHING RED LIGHTS! Something is wrong with our child. We want to fix it. We seek all sorts of mental avenues to remedy it - we wish to go back in time, we wish someone will tell us it isn't true, we want to meet someone who knows how to cure this situation. Our bodies and minds know something is wrong and needs to be fixed.

Unfortunately, there are no more remedies or cures or sources of new treatments or miracles to seek.

We are left in limbo, with the RED light still on. Even when we can manage to focus our minds in another direction, there is that flashing red light in our peripheral vision. We will learn how to lesson the intensity, perhaps even lighten the color to yellow again, but it will never again be green.

No parent should ever have to bury their child ....