Some Ways to Help a Grieving Person...

PLEASE DON’T SAY….
~”It could have been worse.”
~”Your loved one is in a better place.”
~”You need to get your mind off of this.”
~”At least you are young enough to find someone else and get married again.”
~”You can still have more children.”
~”At least you still have other children.”~
”At least you got to have your children for ‘x’ number of years.”
~”At least you didn’t have the baby long enough to get attached.”
~”At least the baby died before birth so you didn’t get attached.”
~”Wow, looks like you are all better now.”
~”Now you have an angel watching over you.”
~”It’s probably for the best.”
~”There must have been something wrong.”
~”I know how you feel.”
~”Be grateful for the time you did have together.”
~”Be grateful that you still have other children.”
~”At least you got to be married (or fall in love or have a child), even if you lost them. Some people never get to be married (or fall in love or have a child) at all.

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THINGS YOU MIGHT SAY …
~”I’m sorry.”
~”What can I do to help?”
~”I’m here for you.”
~”I love you.”
~”I really care about you.”
~”I don’t know what to say, but I am sorry.”
~”I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.”

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THINGS THAT MIGHT BE HELPFUL …
*Help field phone calls and greet visitors during the first days after the loss. Many people will call to verify the news or offer condolences. Others will want to know about any services that will be held. It’s very helpful if friends and family members help take care of the phone calls that need to be answered, and also the ones that need to be made (inviting friends and family members to the services).
*Make, or encourage others to make, meals for the bereaved and their family and guests. Snack foods are great donations, too. Breakfast rolls, casseroles, salads – foods that need little or no preparation or that can just be heated and served are wonderful help to the family.
*Extend words of sympathy. Saying, “I’m so sorry” or “You are in my thoughts and prayers” are just fine. It’s hard to know what to say, and just saying “I really don’t know what to say, but I am sorry for your loss” is just fine.
*There is no set time on grieving. The grief period varies with the individual and the situation. For parents who lose a child, grief may be more intense and extended. Telling the person they need to “get on with their life” or that they need to “get over it” or that it’s time to “move on” won’t help them heal any faster.
*Let the grieving person talk about his grief and loss, share his feelings, shed tears. Be patient with your friend or loved one – their moods may change back and forth from sadness to anger to numbness without much notice. Remember that their behaviors may also be variable or unusual while they are going through all the stages of grief.
*Listen without interrupting or changing the subject, without dispensing advice, and without trying to cheer them up.
*Visit frequently, gauging the length of your visits on how the grieving person is doing. Ask them if they need more space or if they need to have you around more frequently.
*Ask what you can do to help rather than inviting them to call you if they need anything. They may not know what they need or what they need to do first. Sometimes you can help them brainstorm or make lists of things that are needed or that need to be done. You can volunteer specifically for something they need help with. Can you help with some laundry? Dishes? Vacuuming? Watering the plants or feeding the pets?
*The death of a loved one causes an abrupt halt to every day living, and even things such as finances can be stressed. It may have been the member of the family who provided the main income source who has died. The person in grief may need to take time off from work without pay while in the acute stages of mourning. Extra company means extra food, heat, and other expenses during visitations following the death and funeral. Funerals and other types of services may or may not have been anticipated in most budgets and frequently are a huge burden on the remaining family members. You might encourage other family and friends to contribute to a fund to help the family out during this time.
*Give hugs or hold hands if acceptable, or just sit close by. Sometimes a person in grief may want to be physically close one minute and want to be separate and untouched the next. Be patient with her or him.
*Remember the special days in your friend or loved one’s days as these may be difficult for her to navigate. Dates such as birthdays, the anniversary of the death, special holidays may be times of renewed grief for her.
*Talk to your friend about their loss when they bring the subject up. Sometimes people will try to avoid the topic, but usually the grieving person feels more comfortable sharing with someone who does talk about their loss. In some cases, the grieving person might specifically ask that you don’t bring up the topic or mention it in certain situations where they are trying to keep emotions under control (a meeting, the work place, etc.).
*Encourage your friend or loved one to check in with their medical doctor. It’s a good time to get a check up – grief puts a great deal of stress and strain on the body and mind. You might suggest they ask their doctor for a referral to a grief support group.

Healing Times - Taking Care of You

~Sleep will sometimes be difficult, but try to remain on a fairly regular schedule as far as going to bed and rising. You may need to take some extra little rests through the days.
~Drink lots of water. Try to restrict your intake of caffeine.
~Get some daily exercise. Go for a walk around the block or through a park. Take a friend with you. Cry while you are walking if you need to. You are going to feel physically tired and depleted, but you need to get some daily exercise. Try to get even just 15 minutes of walking in a day for benefit.
~Be aware that certain calendar markers (monthly anniversary dates of the death, a birthday – yours or your loved one, holidays … can trigger intense sorrow and grief. Plan ahead to do something on those days or to be with somebody.
~Talk about your loved one and your relationship – with friends, support groups online or local groups or journal online in a blog or write in a notebook. It’s important to get your feelings out. Friends, family, and co-workers may tire of the subject - that’s why grief support groups, people who understand the need to keep talking about our departed ones, are so wonderful. Try to always include a positive point in your conversations or writing: something positive about the relationship you had, a good memory of a time together.
~Distractions are good, too. Plan a short trip away to visit friends or relatives.
~Concentration can suffer during grief, as can organization. Keep a notebook handy to make lists of things you need (grocery, household items), things you need to do (pay bills, take pet to vet), things you want to do as time and energy and desire allow (scrapbook, thank you cards, paint a room), and resources you might want to explore later (a support group you’ve heard mentioned, a book you might want to locate and read, a new class you might want to take).
~Start some new traditions – perhaps you can plan these with your family and friends – during holidays or on other special days. You could, perhaps, participate in a fundraising marathon every year in memory of your loved one, or donate to a special cause. Maybe you might want to consider serving meals to the hungry and homeless during the holidays. You could have a special holiday memorial wreath to honor your loved one in addition to your regular holiday traditions.
~Be careful driving. Plan driving during daylight hours after you are most rested. Drive short trips only or plan for more frequent rest stops on route.
~Be careful with candles. Because our concentration and coordination isn’t the best, especially during the early stages of grief, candles can be left burning unsafely when we go to bed or take naps or leave the house. One of my doctors suggested not even using candles for the first six months or putting someone else in charge of extinguishing them.
~Limit your exposure to news reports on the radio, television and newspaper about tragic events.

Please See Me Through My Tears

by Kelly Osmont

You asked, "How am I doing?"
As I told you, tears came to my eyes... and you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given me drained away.

"How am I doing?"...
I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. This pain is indescribable. If you've never known it you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, When I'm ignored, I am again alone with it.

Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They're nature's way of helping me to heal...They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

I know you fear that asking how I'm doing brings me sadness ...but you're wrong. The memory of my loved one's death will always be with me, Only a thought away. My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain...it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, And you don't need to do a thing but be there. When I feel your permissionto allow my tears to flow, you've helped me. You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need. Be patient...do not fear.

Listening with your heart to"how I am doing" relieves the pain, for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter. Talking to you releases what I've been wanting to say aloud, clearing space for a touch of joy in my life. I'll cry for a minute or two... and then I'll wipe my eyes, and sometimes you'll even find I'm laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots... because I'm trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt...me, because my pain is held inside, a shield against our closeness...and you, because suddenly we're distant. So please, take my handand see me through my tears... then we can be close again.

Cloud Bursts....

I was being driven home the other day so a friend could borrow my car and take it to the repair shop near his home for a little exhaust problem. In the passenger seat, I was able to observe the stretches of a promising beautiful blue sky and the fluffy clouds. I usually am looking at traffic lights and bumpers.

Little puffs of light fluffy clouds danced about here and there, forming those mystical shapes that make you think about laying back on a blanket and just cloud watching. They seem like happy things, those little clouds,slowly meandering across the sky, stretching, rearranging, bumping in to other little clouds.

And then we got closer to my town, and I noticed some bigger heavier clouds hanging lower in the sky. Not too many of them, but they were obviously thicker and darker and lower. Rimmed with whisps of white, their centers and bottoms became progressively grayer and had the appearance of boiling rolls- a churning look to them. Nothing happy about these clouds. They sure stood in contrast to their happier playmates in the sky.

That is me, I thought. I used to be a happy cloud, dancing about, married,children, a wonderful job that I looked forward to working every single day - we would play in the park, or take an impromptu camping trip, or hike around the block looking for leaves and blossoms to press, or search the beach for pretty agates and shells. I would decorate the house for the seasons and the holidays and celebrate all those silly days, too, likeMother Goose Day and National Chocolate Day and we loved April Fool's Day. Some things were planned, but most things were done on the whim.

Now I am a dark rain cloud, gathering tears inside me . progressively feeling heavier and thicker and darker - the tears gathering inside me while I continue to talk to clients, enter orders, check drawings, chat with installers, sit in meetings, drive home, shop, load the dishwasher, record some receipts, feed the animals and get ready for bed.

My chest feels like one of those rain clouds. My marriage has failed, my children have grown,and I've lost my first-born son. My grandchildren live far-away. Even my hopes of a happy future with a wonderful man were dashed to pieces when he unexpectedly died, too. I lost my preschool business and have had to return to the outside business world. My life is totally changed from what it was, what I wanted it to be, what I enjoyed, what I loved so much.

As the days go by, I tend to get more introverted and quiet. I am less tolerant with myself or others. My dismal state casts a shadow around me, blocking others from seeing and enjoying my once more sunny self. It tends to go in cycles now. It will quietly build up and then I will become so full of grief that I must find release. I need my time for allowing the rain to fall. I need a good cry. I will find myself "drizzling" if I don't provide the opportunity to let it all out. "My eyes are just leaking," I'll explain to co-workers and family when I seem to get teary-eyed without any particular prompting.

My friend observed my quieter-than-normal state and asked, "What's wrong,Sandi? Whatcha thinking? Share your thoughts."

I replied, "You know if clouds don't empty out when they get heavy and dark like that, they could end up being storm clouds, full of thunder and electricity and rage and unpredictability. Let's not stop at the store, just take me directly home and drop me off. I think it's time for another cloudburst."

With child-loss grief, sadness continues to accumulate inside us, even when we begin to resume our daily tasks and our interactions with others. Remember to allow yourselves time and find a place where you can release the tears and sadness as often as you feel the need.

Love and hugs,Sandi